


The Success Hypothesis

by justmyluckiness



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-21 14:38:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2471858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmyluckiness/pseuds/justmyluckiness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A re-examination of the series with the premise that Penny gets her break just before the pilot. How will the canon events be different with that one change?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Season 1, Episode 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is something of an experiment. I'm hoping to really delve into Penny's back story and character with this, giving her far more attention and respect as a person than the show's writers ever did. Please, please please leave comments on how you think I handled her and the rest of our cast of characters, especially their interactions. I want this to be as genuine as possible. This is also un-beta'd, so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> I know this chapter commits the cardinal sin of showing something positive with Kurt, but hear me out: Penny is almost always shown as a good judge of character and adept at reading social cues. Given that along with the fact that she was with Kurt for four years, there had to be SOMEthing about him that got her to stay with him for so long. The key here is that she still eventually leaves him for cheating. I just don't think it was always as bad as it was when it ended. 
> 
> While I liberally borrow the dialog and events from canon, I claim no ownership of the show, characters, or locations. Any resemblances to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental. 
> 
> While this will eventually be a Sheldon/Penny romance, I stress the word EVENTUALLY. It's a slow burn, so bear with me. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Penny Collins stood in The Cheesecake Factory manager’s office facing a very dubious middle-aged woman.

“I’m still not entirely sure about this,” warned Katherine Douglas, who’d been running the Pasadena franchise of The Cheesecake Factory for almost seven years.

Shifting on her feet to find a more comfortable position, Penny explained for the fourth time why she would be a great choice for the open waitressing job. “Well, I’ve waited tables before at a diner back in Nebraska, so you’re not getting someone who’s never even done the job. I just haven’t ever worked at a place this big. I need the waitressing experience at a big restaurant. Think about it this way: you don’t have to pay me anything, so it’s win-win for you.”

Cocking an eyebrow that hadn’t been groomed in far too long, Katherine – Kate – heaved a resigned sigh and nodded. Shifting her slender frame, she reached into a drawer and rifled through a stack of papers. Finding the one she wanted, Kate slid it across the table. “Fine. You can work here provided you sign a waiver of liability. If we’re not paying you, there’s no way we’re paying your medical bills if you trip and fall or someone drops a bowl of soup on you.”

“That’s fair,” Penny nodded, scribbling her name and the date at the bottom of the page.

Kate gestured to the third woman present. “Jennifer Ramsey will be your mentor. You’ll shadow her and learn the ordering systems and how this place works – or doesn’t work most of the time – during her shifts. Her schedule will be your schedule. Ramsey,” she turned to her employee, “Think you can handle a trainee?”

Chuckling, Jennifer gave a simple nod. “No worries, boss. She’s in good hands.”

Kate finally gave in. “Get out of here, the both of you. Go check in with the hostesses and get your table areas. Don’t let me down,” she warned Penny before turning to her computer.

Penny nodded but concealed her chuckle. Kate reminded her very much of her great-aunt Mabel back home. They each put up a blunt, no-nonsense front, but she suspected Kate was just as warm and protective as Mabel was when she cared. Sharing a smile with her new mentor for the day, Penny followed the brunette out onto the floor.

* * *

“So do you think they went through with it?”

Howard gave his best friend Raj a look of mild exasperation, ignoring the bustle of the other diners surrounding them. The only reason they were even at The Cheesecake Factory was because their normal Tuesday restaurant was closed for a health code violation. Despite his love of routine and Big Boy burgers, there was no way in the world that Dr. Sheldon Cooper, the biggest germ-a-phobe in the known world, would ever again eat at a restaurant closed for such a reason.

“Do I think that a man who’s so neurotic he uses a homemade seat belt made of bungee cords just to ride the bus would willingly drop his tightie-whities in public? Do I think that Leonard ‘needy baby greedy baby’ Hofstadter would be able to get over his insecurities and actually perform? You’re kidding, right? Of course they didn’t do it,” he grinned.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Raj agreed with a thoughtful nod, taking another sip of his drink. He’d seen the barely-contained crazy in Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment for himself.

The pair settled into a companionable silence, silent rocks surrounded by the bustling stream of people at a busy restaurant. They’d met at Comic-Con five years before, a solitary Borg and a lonely Klingon who happened to sit next to each other at the hotel bar after a day of panels and striking out with women. It seemed even women who wanted to go to Comic-Con were put off by a handsy cyborg and a mute Worf. Two outcasts, they had found an unusual, but easy companionship, cemented by one wild, drunken encounter with another costumed conventioneer that very evening.

Howard’s best lecherous chuckle announced the arrival of the other two members of their little band of outcasts. "Welcome, gentlemen! How went the date with Rosy Palm and her sisters?”

With a glare at the taller man, Leonard fell into his seat. “There was no date. Captain Clean here chickened out.”

“Excuse me!” The tallest member of the group looked affronted as he slid into his chair. “Mr. Clean is the mascot of the woefully inadequate commercial cleaning product line. As if I would ever use that to clean my residence. Captain Clean just makes no sense. In any event, I wasn’t the one who said he couldn’t finish his donation process. I merely didn’t feel like committing genetic fraud.”

Leonard put his face in his hands and groaned as the two others shared a confused look. “Oh, I’m going to hate myself for asking, but what’s ‘genetic fraud’?” Howard asked, ignoring Leonard’s silent pleas to drop the subject.

Sheldon’s face assumed the expression they all knew meant he was about to lecture. “It was a high-IQ sperm bank, Howard. I cannot guarantee that my semen will automatically lead to an embryonic genius. Think about it: I share the same basic DNA as my sister, yet here I am on the path to a Nobel Prize while she hostesses at Fuddruckers.”

“Ahem.”

As one, the group turned to look at the hostess who, after leading Leonard and Sheldon to the table, was still holding their menus. She not quite slapped them down on the table with the same expression that someone might have if they’d stepped in something left behind by an animal. “Your servers will be right with you.”

While Leonard, Howard, and Raj looked down at their menus in mortification as the server walked away, Sheldon merely furrowed his brow in confusion. “I don’t see the point of being snippy. I was merely pointing out that there are differences in career paths.”

Glaring up at his roommate, Leonard huffed back into his menu. “I don’t want to hear about it again,” he muttered.

* * *

Walking back to her station, the hostess decided to give the table to her most experienced waitress and the shadow, since they’d just started their first shift together. Looking over at the break area, she saw Jennifer Ramsey explaining something to the newbie. “Ramsey! Collins! You two have the four at table 17! You wanted to learn, Collins, here’s your chance. They’re going to be interesting for you.”

Jennifer stifled a groan. “Sure thing!” Turning to her new friend, she gestured to the table. “Let’s go, Penny. I’ll introduce you and then you can take the lead. Sound good?”

Penny gave a confident grin, ready to start learning what it took to be a waitress at a restaurant instead of a tiny, farm-country diner. “Piece of cheesecake!”

They walked over to the group and stood silently, not willing to interrupt their conversation, at least until they heard what it was. Then they were only too eager to derail that particular train.

* * *

“And another thing: I wasn’t the one who got stage fright. You were the one who walked out of the room with your empty donation cup in your hand and grumbling something about unrealistic depictions of penis size,” Sheldon informed the rest of the group.

“Ahem.”

Another throat clearing behind them caught everyone’s attention. Leonard buried his face in his hands, moaning “Oh, God.”

As one, the four looked up to see two women in the standard Cheesecake Factory female wait staff’s uniform of denim skirt, white blouse, and mustard vest. One was about thirty years old with wavy hair somewhere between caramel and coffee and copper eyes. She was flanked by a stunningly beautiful blonde a few years younger whose eyes were a flashing green. The brunette spoke first. “I’m Jennifer, and I’ll be your server today. Penny here,” she indicated the blonde with her pen, “will be shadowing me to learn the ropes.”

No one noticed Leonard’s jaw drop open in awe at her beauty or Sheldon’s eyes widen the slightest bit as Penny smiled as she flipped her order book open. “You seem like a nice group. What can we bring you today?” She looked at Raj first.

With a squeak, he turned to whisper in Howard’s ear. “He’ll have the baked halibut with wild rice.”

Penny’s eyebrows met in confused concern. “Is he okay?”

The first guy who looked like the unholy love child of Ringo Starr and Austin Powers gave a lecherous grin. “Not really. He gets this way around beautiful women such as yourself. Now as for me, what would you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite with weight training and cardio funk?”

“A shower,” she declared flatly, hoping to shoot him down before any further attempts to flirt. If Jennifer’s snort behind her was any indication, she’d been just snarky enough.

“I’ll take the heart smart platter,” here he lowered his voice, “with a side of your number, of course.”

To the amusement of everyone else present, Penny laughed while writing down her notes. “Not a chance.” She turned to the other side of the table. “What about you guys?”

The guy with curly hair and glasses just looked awestruck. Sensing she wasn’t going to get a coherent response out of him, Penny turned to the skinny one, who was pretty cute in the right light, if you go for tall, dark, and geeky, which she had to admit wasn’t as much of a turn off as it might have been before her last relationship cratered. About to ask for his order, she had to bite her tongue when he interrupted, clearly miffed at being last. “We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.”

Penny was grateful that her years of practice acting enabled her to conceal her surprise at his offense at the order in which she asked for their choices.Determined to defuse the apparent tension, Penny gave him a big smile that only her best friend would have been able to tell was fake. “Well, it’s all good.

He responded with a dismissive shake of his head. “Statistically unlikely.”

Curly hair and glasses tried to mollify his friend. “Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.”

It failed. He got even more petulant. “Not all hamburgers, Leonard. I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers. You can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.”

Penny’s eyebrows rose at the way the guy talked. Before she could interject, the one referred to as Leonard turned to her and apologized, trying to salvage the situation. “I’m sorry. Give Sheldon a hamburger.”

That attempt just created more problems. “Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?” Penny rattled off from memory, earning an appreciative nod from Jennifer.

Sheldon shook his head at the shorter man. “Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.”

In a final attempt to soothe the overgrown toddler, Penny tried once more to give him something he could choose. “The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.”

She failed. Sheldon looked at her with irritation written across his face and proceeded to lecture her as if she were a particularly slow child. “Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something _like_ a Big Boy?”

Fed up, Penny refused to let him bulldoze her into admitting he was right. “Because you are not at Big Boy!” she snapped.

Like bullies everywhere, when they encountered opposition they immediately turned tail. Sheldon looked down and handed his menu over politely. “Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger,” he requested.

Leonard did the same. “Make it two,”

On their way away from the table, the two women heard Sheldon get in one final shot, “Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy.”

Jennifer rolled her eyes at the rude behavior. “Well there you go, kid. Welcome to just another day on the job.”

Penny grinned. “Ah that’s nothing. After roping cows at Junior Rodeo for years, I’m used to dealing with big, dumb animals that don’t want to listen to me. Hey, since I’m new here, I was wondering if you could tell me a couple of the good sports bars around here? I wanted to stay current on the AFL playoffs…”

Neither of them saw Sheldon staring at Penny’s departing form as her conversation trailed off, ignoring the resumed debate over a fictional battle.

* * *

Surrounded by a sea of boxes in a tiny apartment, she looked around the living area, trying to fight off her despondence. She hated moving. Her arms and back were sore from lifting and moving the boxes containing her worldly existence, and her thighs hadn’t hurt to this intensity since her last round of really mind-blowing sex. Instead of the flush of pleasure the memory should bring her, remembering that particular incident gave her a rush of sadness. Leaving Kurt was absolutely the right decision, but for the first time she was living totally own her own. She wasn’t used to entirely supporting herself, which didn’t make anything about the move away from Kurt easier.

Not easier, but still necessary. The sting of betrayal was still sharp in her memory as she remembered how their relationship ended. Satisfaction was there too, though. She wondered if he’d been able to get it up lately. After all, softball bats to the groin weren’t exactly supposed to help sexual performance. The face of the bleach-blond writhing under him turned from ecstasy to anger, but she was angry at Penny for barging in and maiming Kurt, not angry at Kurt for being a cheater.

If there was one thing she hated more than anything else, even parking tickets and split ends combined, it was someone who couldn’t remain faithful. She’d been cheated on before, by the guy she thought had knocked her up. Apparently his relief had been so profound that he’d rushed right out and found the nearest willing woman to celebrate with. She’d done some damage to him after that little episode too, but nothing more serious than a black eye and swollen jaw. ‘Slugger’ wasn’t just a random nickname her father gave her.

Swearing she would never again fall victim to someone who couldn’t keep it in his pants, she’d gone through a period of not dating anyone, but then she’d met Kurt. At the time he was a dream come true. He was gorgeous, built like a brick outhouse, and made her feel special again. In the beginning he’d treated her like a queen, taking her out and bragging about her to his friends. He was the star quarterback and she was just part of the Corn Queen’s Court, not the Corn Queen herself. She was the baby of the family, the biggest ‘oops’ in a line of ‘oopses’ for her parents. It was no wonder that Kurt did amazing things to her self-esteem.

The night everything changed was crystal clear in her memory.

_Her parents were out on a date, trying to recreate the magic from their own youth. Her older brother and sister, living up to the saying about mice and cats, left their own dust tracks down the long dirt driveway the moment their parents’ truck faded over the horizon, leaving Penny, the unwanted third child, alone in the farmhouse. She called Kurt the instant she was alone. Twenty minutes after that, they were in her bed. Later, still in the flushed afterglow, Kurt turned to her. “I love you,” he said for the first time._

_Tears in her eyes, she crushed her lips to his. “I love you too,” she breathed before enthusiastically starting round two. Later on after dressing and at least making it look as if they were enjoying an innocent evening on the couch, she popped in Die Hard 2, his favorite movie. After John McClane blew up the bad guys’ airplane, Kurt turned to her._

_“We could do that, babe,” he said simply and hesitantly._

_“Do what now?” she replied, eyes still on the screen where McClane and his wife were enjoying their reunion._

_“Do that. Be movie stars. Well, I could be a stuntman, but you could be an actress,” he clarified, making her turn to look at him with big eyes._

_“Are you serious?” She searched his eyes for any signs he was pulling her leg, but he looked absolutely calm._

_“Yeah, I think if we move to California, we could really do that,” he answered before kissing her._

A year later, they’d dropped out of community college, heading west against the wishes of both of their families.

They’d never looked back.

* * *

The sounds of splashes on the cardboard in front of her brought her back to the present. She’d been crying as she reminisced. Penny angrily wiped the tears away and berated herself for going down a bad part of Memory Lane.

Kurt’s idea of getting a career as a stuntman never got off the ground, leaving him topped out as a bouncer at a third-rate nightclub. Her dreams were different. She wanted to appear on the screen from the beginning. Small screen or large screen, it didn’t matter. Penny Collins knew she was destined for stardom someday. She’d always thought they would make it together. Coming home to find her boyfriend balls-deep in some other woman shattered the _who_ , but not the _what_ of her dream.

Penny shook her head again, marveling at the way some people didn’t care about fidelity. She couldn’t exactly blame the skank for falling prey to Kurt’s charms; after all, he could be pretty convincing when he wanted to get someone in bed and his body didn’t exactly hurt his appeal either. Once upon a time he’d put on his good guy act for her, too, the bastard.

Determined to shake off her funk, Penny looked again at the envelope that was the first thing she’d unpacked. It sat on her new countertop, a talisman of her drive to change her life. Looking at it again, she had the strangest sensation that it represented the first brick of the road to her dreams.

Just then, the sounds of two men coming up the stairs reached her ears through the open door. At first the conversation seemed unbelievable, but then with a start she remembered the table from the restaurant. With a shake of her head, she marveled at the unlikeliness of the strange men living in her building.

“Are you still mad about the sperm bank?” one asked in the tone of someone who suspected the answer. She thought for a minute before identifying Sheldon’s voice.

“No,” came the petulant response of the second man who was clearly lying. That one was Leonard, Penny remembered.

“You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?” Sheldon asked, seemingly jumping to an entirely new topic for no reason.

Leonard kept up his sullen answers. “Not really.”

As if he didn’t even notice Leonard’s tone, Sheldon launched into his lecture. “If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip,” he explained. The voices were growing louder as the two men apparently got closer.

“I don’t care. Two millimeters? That doesn’t seem right,” Penny had to grin as Leonard was drawn into the lesson against his will.

“No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.” Now she was outright chuckling, not paying attention to what she was supposed to be unpacking as she overheard the strange conversation.

“Is that why they sent you to boarding school?” Leonard asked. Penny’s soft laughter turned to a wince at the thought of being sent away from home for months at a time for an accident.

“No, that was the result of my work with lasers,” Sheldon replied.

Suddenly the voices stopped. Penny pretended to be engrossed in unpacking.

“New neighbor?” Leonard asked.

“Evidently,” Sheldon answered.

“Significant improvement over the old neighbor,” Leonard commented, causing Penny to flush at the praise. Sure it was based solely on her physical appearance, but that didn’t mean she didn’t still appreciate it.

“Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes she is,” came Sheldon’s deadpan response.

That did it. It was either bust out laughing at the absurdity of the conversation or turn and greet the men. Penny chose to turn around and smile. It was the two from the restaurant. “Hi,” she said with a smile.

“Hi,” Leonard said.

Sheldon took his cue. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Leonard repeated _._

“Hi,” Sheldon repeated, continuing the weirdness.

Hoping to cut things short, Penny made her response a question, “Hi?”

Sensing the mood shift, Leonard explained things. “We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.”

Penny’s relief at the break in the awkward greeting loop stopped short at the implications of Leonard’s last phrase _._ “Oh, that’s nice,” she acknowledged, dropping a shirt back into its box.

As if sensing her thoughts, he rushed to explain, stuttering over his words. “Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms,” he took a deep breath before continuing, “You’re the waitress from the Cheesecake Factory, right?”

Penny tried not to raise her eyebrows at the quick shift“Oh, okay, well, yeah, that’s me. I guess I’m your new neighbor, Penny, but you knew that from the restaurant. Penny Collins.”

Hearing her name, Sheldon perked up, looking at her so intently she had to shift her balance under the scrutiny, awkward at his attention

“Hi,” she greeted again, wincing at unwittingly going back to their awkward loop from before.

“Hi,” Leonard responded.

“Hi,” said Sheldon, following the others.

“Hi,” Penny finished, hoping they would say something else.

Leonard did change the subject but when he got going, Penny wished he hadn’t. “Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about,” he finished weakly.

Sheldon leaned over to whisper to his roommate, but didn’t make it low enough for her not to hear. “Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.”

She had to stifle a laugh. Sheldon, the one who seemed more awkward, was more aware of appropriate conversation topics than Leonard.

“Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat?” Penny interjected, hoping to cut the ‘bowel movement’ portion of the conversation short.

Leonard looked uncertain, but forged ahead, appearing ever more like an awkward puppy. “Uh, yes.”

“Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to,” she answered, hoping her expression conveyed just how grateful she was, remembering how little food she’d brought with her and needing to go to the grocery store.

“Great,” Leonard smiled, looking even more like a puppy than before. All he was missing was the wagging.

After following them into their apartment, Penny looked around, seeing a whole lot of stuff that she’d never seen before, anywhere. Leonard brought over a glass of water that she accepted with a smile. “So, what do you guys do for fun around here?”

“Well, today we tried masturbating for money,” Sheldon said in all innocence.

Penny choked on her water, wondering if the two men had any kind of brain-to-mouth filter.

“Okay, well, make yourself at home,” Leonard interjected, desperate to move past Sheldon’s inadvertent faux-pas.

“Okay, thank you,” she answered with a smile.

Evidently that was the right response, as he huffed, looking very pleased with himself. “You’re very welcome.”

She walked over to a couple dry erase boards that contained more symbols and numbers than she’d ever seen in one place before. Trying to make sense of it, she gave up after just a few seconds. “This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?”

From the kitchen, Sheldon looked up from where he was gathering some utensils for their lunch. “Actually that’s my work,” he clarified.

Overawed, Penny stared at the squiggles. “Wow.”

“Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation,” he said, twitching and giving a breathy gasp that Penny belatedly realized was supposed to be a laugh.

She turned to him. “So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys?” she asked, admiring the intelligence he must have to be able to not only understand, but use all the equations on the board. All she’d ever done was see the movie.

“Yeah,” he answered, not at all as puffed up as Leonard was when he handed her a cup of water.

“This is really impressive,” Penny said, hoping the statement would convey her genuine respect for the man.

Leonard felt the need to interject himself into the moment. “I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board,” he hastened to explain, as if the board itself was the object of her attention. Penny had to fight a grimace at his excessive eagerness to impress her.

“Holy smokes,” she said with slightly overdone enthusiasm, hoping he believed that she was still impressed and would drop the subject.

“If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure,” Sheldon sniffed.

Leonard’s eager puppy look turned into ‘kicked puppy’. “What?” he asked, looking affronted.

Sheldon snorted. “Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below ‘here I sit broken hearted’?”

“Okay, guys! I don’t mean to be rude but you offered lunch and I’m really hungry,” Penny cut in, hoping to head off the looming nerd war.

“Of course,” Sheldon acquiesced, handing over her food.

She moved to sit down on the far side of the couch, but caught herself halfway when Sheldon stopped her.

“Um, Penny, that’s where I sit,” he declared.

Not seeing the point of moving, Penny tried to mollify him. “So, sit next to me.”

The man, who was rapidly turning into an overgrown toddler in front of her, kept up his demand. “No, I sit there.”

Suddenly sensing that she was staring a train just before it derailed, she couldn’t stop herself from asking “What’s the difference?”

“What’s the difference?” Sheldon repeated, offended surprise dripping from his words.

Leonard groaned and put his head in his hands. “Here we go.”

Putting his hands behind his back, Sheldon assumed what Penny took to be his ‘lecture pose’. “In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”

Barely able to believe that anyone put that much effort into where they sat on the damn couch, Penny was rapidly starting to wonder if her neighbor was ‘special’. Her parents always said you don’t go out of your way to be mean to a ‘special’ person. “Do you want me to move?” she asked, hoping that he wouldn’t launch into a long-winded answer.

“Well,” Sheldon started.

He didn’t get far before Leonard cut in again. “Just sit somewhere else,” he begged.

Penny rolled her eyes but moved to the other side of the couch, hoping that it would mollify the baby.

They ate together, retreating into relative small talk, with Penny fearful of what might trip up more Obsessive-Compulsive tendencies. When they were finished and the dishes put in the dishwasher, Penny looked around. “Well, thanks so much for lunch guys, but I really should get back to unpacking. I promise I’ll make it up to you. Dinner sometime on me, okay?”

The guys nodded, moving back to their work.

“It was great seeing you again,” she said on her way out, closing the door behind her.

* * *

Sheldon looked at his roommate staring at the front door as if it held the answers to all existence. “You’re not done with her, are you?” Sheldon asked, already knowing the answer. A beautiful woman showing interest in Leonard could only mean that he would pursue her like a dog after a bone. He almost laughed at his inadvertent innuendo, but the sense of someone as beautiful as Penny with someone with as many issues as Leonard had – both physical and psychological, if he put any stock in that hokum – was abhorrent. His stomach twisted as he considered the idea.

“Our babies will be smart and beautiful,” Leonard murmured in a dreamlike tone.

“Not to mention imaginary,” Sheldon retorted, sitting down at his laptop and googling “Penny Collins.”

Just as he remembered, one of the first articles he came across was a blurb of a headline he’d noticed while perusing a news website the previous week. Sitting back, he scanned the article, realizing that this Penny Collins was someone to keep around.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn more of Penny's backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I claim no ownership of the show or characters, and any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.

“And cut!”

Heaving a relieved sigh that filming was over for the day, Penny turned without a word and walked off the cheesy restaurant set to her dressing room.

Her dressing room.

She still marveled at having her own dressing room.

It wasn’t much, but if she was being honest, it was far more than she thought she’d have by this point in her career. She’d already figured on working her way up the ladder after starting low with some scenes as an extra, then as a minor role, maybe one with a few speaking lines. When she’d sat down and honestly looked at a projection for the rise of Penny Collins, having the lead role in a sitcom – and all the perks that went along with it – was still a few years off.

After stumbling across an audition – that her idiot of a manager hadn’t even bothered telling her about – she figured that with Kurt sleeping in after a long night shift it would be a way for her to kill a few hours. The notice had been very low-key, so she hadn’t been as nervous as she usually was. It was only after the producer and director told her she got the part that she learned it was for the freaking lead.

If nothing else registered, that fact alone still made her giddy. She was rapidly losing her early enthusiasm for the show, but at least she was still the lead. If absolutely nothing beyond the pilot aired, she would still have at least that to her name. It would be something big for her to point out to her new manager – she really needed to fire her current one. Screwing his newest client was not what she paid him to do. Not for the first time did she wonder why she was perpetually surrounded by assholes.

Her heels clicked down the unusually empty hallway as she thought about all the different aspects of starring on a TV show that each took a little more of Hollywood’s luster from her eyes. The stereotypes were all true: the people were callous and superficial, who couldn’t be bothered to have a genuine concern about anything other than their appearance. Beyond that, the filming schedule forced her to wake up at an hour that she swore she would never see again after milking the farm’s one cow for years, leaving her with a coffee habit that had pole-vaulted over routine and landed joyously as a full-blown addiction.

The director was an ass who constantly talked down to her, explaining even the most basic procedures to ‘the hick from the plains’ as she’d overheard him refer to her. The other actresses spent their entire off-camera time gossiping. The male actors universally thought they were God’s gift to women, staring at their female costars like they were pieces of meat and flirting so outrageously that Penny had to stifle a guffaw on multiple occasions. The taunts and insults happened just off-stage, but they echoed in her mind as she walked down the hall alone to her dressing room.

_Hick._

_Bimbo._

_Airhead._

_Skank._

She shook her head, determined not to let the negativity of others drag her down. Getting away from Kurt and his stifling, overwhelming jealousy had taught her a lot about who she was, and Penny was relishing the feeling of being truly free for the first time in her life. She finally had her big break, and she wasn’t going to waste it.

Grateful at finally being off camera where she could relax, Penny yawned so widely she idly wondered if she looked like one of those snakes that unhinges its jaw to swallow something a thousand times larger than its own head.

Opening the door marked ‘P. Collins’, she walked in and flopped down in her chair. Not knowing what to expect when she showed up the first day, she’d thought her room would be a decent size with wardrobe racks and closets for all her clothes. A private bathroom wouldn’t be too much to ask for, nor would a couch for her to doze on. Instead she got an overgrown closet without a bathroom and an overstuffed chair instead of a sofa. There was the standard director’s style chair in front of a huge vanity, but she would have been shocked if that hadn’t been there.

She almost ripped the stilettos from her feet with a cry of relief. The writers of the show were idiotic enough to think that waitresses who were on their feet up to twelve hours a day actually wore four-inch heels all day. As bad as all that was, Penny kept reminding herself that she was still the female lead on a sitcom filming for the fall season. Her character Kaylee, a waitress who found love with one of her regular customers, was essentially the star of the show. _Table For Two_ wasn’t the most imaginative name for a restaurant comedy with a heaping helping of romance – as the entertainment magazines plugged the show – but everyone connected to the effort had high hopes.

She’d finally arrived.

It was a strange feeling to someone who’d spent her entire life fleeing, Penny reflected as she picked up a remote and clicked on a small device on her vanity. She left community college to go to California with Kurt. She left her family when her sister got knocked up again and her brother got busted for dealing meth. Always smarter than she let on, the ever-present sting of knowing how disappointed her parents were in her – whether it was because she was another daughter when her mother already had Miss Perfect or because she wasn’t the son her father could mold into everything he’d ever wanted – Penny’s biggest fear became letting more people down. Playing the dumb blonde became her natural role. If people didn’t expect much from her, they couldn’t ever be as disappointed in her as her parents were.

Penny started out of her reverie at the sound of a knock on the door. Swallowing the lump in her throat that somehow always materialized when she thought about the circumstances that led to her leaving home, she called out, “Come in,” cursing the husk in her voice.

The door opened to reveal Nick Lee, the male co-star of the show. “Hey, everything okay?” he asked, poking his perfectly coiffed blond hair into her room.

She nodded. “Just a frog in my throat,” Penny explained.

“You looked like you were in pain coming off the set. I know those dumbass writers have you in stupidly high heels and that can’t be comfortable. I just thought I’d come down and offer my services as a foot masseur,” he explained with a smile that oozed charm.

Still emotionally raw from her pity party, Penny returned his smile as best she could. “That sounds really nice, thanks.” She moved to the chair located against the back wall of her room and sat down, exhaling a powerful sigh as she did so.

“Long day?” he asked, kneeling in front of her and taking her left foot in his hands.

Penny’s eyes closed in bliss at the feeling of talented fingers easing the pains in her arches. “You were out there for most of it,” she reminded her cast mate.

With a nod, Nick acknowledged her point. “Yeah. You have to know that you’re better than what they were saying, don’t you?”

Hearing one sympathetic voice offer sympathy and support was exactly what she needed. “I do, but it’s not easy to hear. I’m still the new kid on the block here, y’know? This job is really big for me.” The feeling of his hands working her feet was so soothing that, combined with her fatigue from a day on set, Penny’s voice barely rose above a murmur. Her eyes drifted closed.

“Absolutely,” he agreed in a low, smooth voice. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re way better than this little sitcom.”

“You do?” Now alert, Penny’s eyes snapped open and focused on him.

“Totally,” he nodded while shifting to her calves, “You have a ton of talent. This show’s going to be how Penny Collins gets noticed.”

She flushed at the praise, basking in the badly-needed validation after a day of borderline verbal abuse. “Thanks. This is exactly what I was hoping for when I came here,” she said weakly.

“Let me guess,” he started. “You left a pretty awful home life behind, somewhere in the Midwest, and came to Los Angeles to make it big, forgetting about who you used to be, right?”

She couldn’t completely keep her jaw from falling open. “Am I that easy to read?”

He chuckled. “No, but it’s not exactly an uncommon story. So what exactly made home so unbearable that you had to leave?”

With a wistful sigh, Penny let the feeling of getting her feet rubbed take her away. “Well, I was an accident. My parents might as well have told me so. They paid more attention to my screw-up older sister and brother than they ever did me.”

“What made them screw-ups?” he asked, keeping his voice even as he kept working her tired feet.

“My mom got pregnant at 17 with my sister because all she ever cared about was being the head cheerleader, you know? She and my dad got married at 18, and my sister followed in her footsteps. Head cheerleader, homecoming queen, the whole nine yards. All she and my mom ever did was talk about the latest hairstyles, or how to paint their nails, that kind of thing. At least my sister waited until she was a legal adult before she got knocked up,” Penny explained.

Nick laughed, but it was humorless. “Sounds like my mom and sister, actually.”

Penny gave him a grin. “My brother was always a mama’s boy, too. He never had time for learning to work the farm or go hunting with my dad. Mom spoiled him rotten, and he never outgrew that. He’s currently in jail for cooking meth.”

“What about your dad?” Nick asked, and Penny did a double take at the concern she could hear in his voice.

“My dad was determined to make me his protégé,” Penny explained, “Since Mom already had two kids she spoiled, Dad went out of his way to spend time with me, teaching me how to hunt, fish, fix the tractor, plow a row, that kind of thing. I was a total tomboy as a kid.”

Nick looked up at her, a question written across his face. “So what happened?”

“I learned that boys were for more than teasing when I got boobs,” she said as bluntly as she could.

A guffaw broke free before he could restrain it. Looking up at her, he made a point of keeping his eyes south of her neck. “Pretty nice ones, too,” he said with a salacious grin.

“You’re bad,” she shot back, “ _Anyway_ , that disappointment was just one too many for my dad. He stopped spending time with me, or trying to get me to do things with him. Mom didn’t care anymore, and now Dad wasn’t paying attention to me either. When my brother got locked up and my sister got knocked up, I just knew I had to get out. So, I came to Los Angeles with my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Nick asked quietly, working on her heels now.

“Ex-boyfriend, actually. Cheating bastard,” Penny growled, a discordant tone in the calming atmosphere of sharing her history during a foot rub.

“Ouch,” Nick agreed. “That must have been rough.”

“Catching him in the act was. Taking my old softball bat to his junk was pretty damn satisfying,” Penny grinned right back at him.

“Double ouch,” Nick grimaced. “He totally deserved it, but as a guy I sympathize.”

“Well,” Penny drawled, feeling the pleasant boneless sensation of a good massage growing, “between the cheating and landing this role, it just made it easier to leave the son of a bitch.”

“You know,” he continued as she relaxed back into the chair and closed her eyes once more, “The two of us together could have a lot of influence. I mean, we’re two of the biggest roles on the show. If you’re having problems with people involved, I’m sure we can work together to get rid of the issue.”

Something was off about what he was saying, but Penny couldn’t fathom what it was. Her eyebrows furrowed together as a tendril of unease started at the base of her spine and worked upward at the same pace as his hands. “Um, you’re not working on my feet anymore,” she said slowly.

“Just relax,” he whispered, ignoring her warning as his hands moved to just below her knees. “I’ve got ties to some pretty big players in the entertainment world. If you stick with me, we can make some big things happen.”

Penny opened her eyes and shifted, the unease intensifying and shifting to her gut. “I don’t…”

Nick continued talking as if she hadn’t spoken. “There’s so much I could do for your career if you stick with me.” His hands were now rubbing her thighs, but the action had left ‘massage’ far behind and was now overtly sexual.

“Woah there, buddy,” she said, pushing his hands away. “Bad touch! I said you could rub my _feet_.”

He stopped rubbing, but kept his hands above her knees. Penny held his gaze, wanting not to see what she thought she’d see in his eyes. He opened his mouth, but instead of speaking, he leaned forward and captured her lips. Eyes open wide at the unexpected advance, Penny tried to scoot away, but Nick’s hands on her legs held her in place. She struggled to break free, not wanting to cause a commotion that would have everyone within earshot running in, but he was much larger than she and had her effectively pinned.

Her break came when he reached to cup her left breast. Remembering the self-defense moves she’d learned right after moving to California, Penny grabbed his thumb and applied a cuticle pinch. Nick immediately let go of her and tried to fling himself backward. She released the pinch, but kept her grip on his right hand. Twisting, she applied enough pressure to his wrist that the pain was excruciating, but nothing was broken or sprained yet.

Nick had obviously never met a woman who fought back, as he kept trying to kick away from her. Penny dodged his flying shoes and yanked his arm behind him far enough that he was almost able to scratch the back of his neck from behind. “I was nationally ranked in Junior Rodeo, you asshole,” she hissed in his ear, “Which means I grew up castrating bulls that were five times your size. No means no, you got me?”

Tears were forming in the corners of his screwed-shut eyes as he fought off any more humiliation. When he didn’t respond, she applied a tiny bit more pressure. “I didn’t hear you, Nicky,” Penny whispered in a faux-seductive voice.

“Yes, yes I hear you. Just let me go,” he pleaded, abandoning his desire to control the situation and begging her to stop.

With an evil chuckle, Penny released him. Nick sprang to his feet, massaging his wrist and glaring daggers at her. “You bitch! You could have broken my arm!”

“You’re lucky I didn’t break it off and shove it up your ass,” she shot back, hands on her hips and daring him to make another move.

If anything, his glare got worse. “I’ll ruin you for this. You won’t even get a car dealership commercial when I tell everyone that you assaulted me.”

His anger turned to frustrated confusion when Penny burst into full-belly laughs. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouted.

Eventually, Penny was able to get her laughs under control. “You go right ahead and do that,” she agreed as she wiped tears from her eyes, “I dare you. But before you do, let me point something out for you.”

Nick looked even more confused, so she pointed to her vanity. “See that red light there? That’s a camera. I turn it on every time I come in here for exactly this reason. Just a little security tip my manager gave me. You even think of telling anyone that I assaulted you, and not only will the studio get the video proof of an attempted rape, so will the police and the media. Which one of us do you think will really be finished?”

Impotent rage filled his eyes. As Nick opened his mouth to say something, she cut him off. “Before you even think about breaking in and stealing the camera, the videos aren’t stored here. I have them backed up automatically to a secure online site.”

She saw the moment he gave up the fight. “Bitch,” he growled before turning to leave.

“Oh and Nick?” Her voice got his attention one last time. As he made eye contact, she bared her teeth in a feral parody of a smile, “You even look at me the wrong way and I’ll show you exactly how to turn a bull into a steer.”

As the door slammed behind him, Penny burst into laughter again.

Yup. She’d arrived.

* * *

Penny trudged up the stairs, feeling her knees and ankles ache with every step made necessary by the damned broken elevator. She’d felt great after the confrontation in her dressing room, but when the adrenaline bled off, she started feeling more sore than she could remember since her Junior Rodeo days.

She’d absolutely done the right thing in handling her prick of a costar the way she did, but not knowing what Nick was doing behind the scenes or who he might co-opt to his version of what happened had her dreading going to the studio for the first time since landing her role.

“Hi, Penny.”

Pushing the key into the lock, Penny heard her name called out and turned. Her eyebrows shot to her forehead. Leonard was standing in his door holding a bunch of envelopes, but he was in full paintball gear. Freshly-used paintball gear, if the variously-colored splotches decorating his armor were anything to go by.

“The mailman did it again. He got your mail mixed in with ours,” he explained, shoving her mail at her.

She took it with a grateful smile and tucked it under one elbow. “Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mailman.”

Leonard immediately started fidgeting, pulling at the hem of his hoodie. “Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.”

Penny shook her head before flashing a brilliant grin. “Who could snap at this face? No worries, Leonard. I’ll make sure he doesn’t inconvenience you guys any more with my mail.”

“Oh, that would be great,” Leonard answered. His flat tone surprised her, but when she shot him a glance, he turned his eyes to the floor. “Ah, well, do you want to come over for a bit?”

Weighing her fatigue and soreness against the chance to spend more time around her new friends, Penny came to a decision. “Sure, I guess. Just let me drop this stuff off at my place first.”

She unlocked the door and moved inside, tossing her purse and the mail on the sofa. Standing back up, she felt the weight of eyes on her. Sure enough, when she turned around, Leonard was snapping his head away and focusing on the floor once more. On most days, she would be flattered at the attention, but after her experience with Nick in the dressing room, she just felt more unsettled. “Let’s go,” she said, needing to get away from his staring and around other people.

She followed Leonard over to the guys’ apartment. When he entered, she heard Raj call out, “So how’d it go with Penny?”

“It went fine,” she called out, enjoying Raj’s squeak when he realized she was behind Leonard. “I’m going to talk to the mailman to make sure he doesn’t keep mixing up my mail.”

Howard burst into a loud guffaw, and even Raj chuckled, but since Penny didn’t see Leonard waving them to silence, she didn’t understand what was so funny. Looking around, she noticed the rest of the group was also wearing splattered paintball armor. “Looks like it was a fun morning,” she said.

“You play paintball?” Howard asked as he started removing his armor.

“I don’t really have time these days, what with my work schedule and all, but I’m from Nebraska. I learned to shoot at a pretty early age,” Penny admitted.

She was the only one who noticed Sheldon perk up, regarding her with the same intent stare as he had in the restaurant the first time they met. Unlike most guys, his eyes never strayed below her neck, but she felt oddly more exposed than she would have if he was actually checking her out. “You’re a good shot?”

She gave him a cheeky grin, wanting to tweak his nose just a little bit to see how he’d react. “I could hit you standing sideways.” When he flinched and glared, she gave a menacing chuckle.

“Wait a minute,” Leonard interrupted her talk with Sheldon. “Your work schedule? I didn’t know the Cheesecake Factory was open 24/7.”

“It’s not,” Penny explained, uncomfortable about the new direction the conversation had taken.

“Well, then what job do you have that would keep you busy all day, every day?” Leonard pressed.

Penny breathed a resigned sigh. She’d known for a while that the guys would find out she was on a television show even before it aired, when the networks started their promotional blitz. That time was still a long ways off, but here she was having to explain herself. “I’m an actress. A few months ago I landed a role on a new show, and we just started filming. That job is pretty much all day, every day. There aren’t very many times we get to relax.”

Three pairs of eyes goggled at her while one wasn’t surprised in the slightest. Wanting to question Sheldon as to how he knew what she was going to say, Penny instead found herself besieged by Leonard and Howard, asking every question they had in a machine-gun style that had her reeling.

“When is it on?”

“What network is it on?”

“What’s your role?”

“Can you get us backstage?”

She waved her hands for the barrage to stop, but it was Sheldon’s voice that quieted his friends. “Leave her alone for now, _gentlemen_ – and I use that term loosely. If the bags under her eyes are any indication, she’s far too tired to answer all your questions right now.”

Penny gave him a grateful smile. “What about you guys? How did you do at paintball today?” Anything to shift the conversation away from her acting career.

As one, the four men looked at their feet. Raj was the first to move, turning sad eyes to her.

“Ah. Not so good?” She couldn’t help feeling pity for the man, unable to talk in front of a woman. He shook his head mournfully in response.

Howard broke the silence. “Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.”

“Sucking is one thing. What we just did out there was absolutely humiliating,” Sheldon clarified in the tone Penny was coming to identify as his way of saying ‘I’m right and you’re all wrong’ when he didn’t want to use the exact phrase.

“Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose,” Leonard tried to placate his friends and play down the disaster.

“Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party,” Howard grumped, looking at his shoes again.

By this point Penny’s eyes were wide and she was having to work to stifle her laughter. Leonard’s next attempt to make the defeat seem less humiliating didn’t help her stop laughing any. “I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.”

She couldn’t help it. The entire day had been one trial after another, from shooting the same scenes over and over while being verbally abused, to the attempted assault in her dressing room and finally how Leonard had undressed her with his eyes. Looking at a group of grown, distinguished men in paint-splattered armor talking about ‘savage pre-adolescent Jews’ broke her, and tears started rolling down her face as she gave in to the absurdity of the moment.

Across the room, Sheldon was frowning at the entire conversation. “You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.”

Leonard groaned, dropping his face into his hands. “Sheldon, let it go,” he begged.

The lanky man would have none of it, however. Penny watched, tempering her laughter but still enjoying the craziness of the argument. “No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.”

It was like watching a tennis match. Penny’s eyes kept shooting back and forth at each new statement. “I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster,” Howard protested, getting to his feet.

Sheldon looked down his nose at the shorter man. “I was giving clear, concise orders.”

Now Penny’s eyes swung to Leonard. “You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulke, get the kid in the yarmulke,” he snarked.

Penny’s laughter bubbled anew at the mental image. She vaguely registered that Sheldon’s phone ringing, as he shot her another scowl before answering it. The other guys saw the humor in the situation and were chuckling along with her. She couldn’t exactly hear what Sheldon was saying on the phone, but their noise level must have irritated him. “Oh that? That noise is just my friends and the new neighbor laughing about paintball…No, just some random woman that moved in,” he declared in a voice far too loud to be just for the person on the other end of the call.

Penny startled at the impatience dripping from his voice. The other guys all noticed it too, as they lowered their own voices and fought down further laughter. A painful awkwardness descended as they all sat quietly, waiting for him to finish his call. After a few moments when seemed clear he wasn’t going to be done anytime soon, Penny remembered something she could tell the rest of the group before leaving. “Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.”

Leonard somehow managed to look confused and intrigued at the same time. “A party?”

“Yeah,” she dragged out the word, hoping he saw how silly his question was.

Howard was so eager he couldn’t sit down. “A boy-girl party?” He asked, standing and quivering with anticipation, as if he’d never heard of such a thing.

Penny gave him an odd look. “Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…”

The diminutive engineer’s expression dimmed slightly as he sat back in his chair. “Dancing?” Howard asked, forcing Penny to choke back her laugh.

Leonard shot her a dubious glance. “Yeah, I don’t know, Penny.”

Disappointed at their sudden reluctance, she tried again. “Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.”

That got Leonard’s interest back up. “A Halloween party?”

Howard looked gleeful again. “As in, costumes?”

Not following all the sudden mood shifts, it was Penny’s turn to be confused. “Well, yeah.”

Leonard leaned forward on the couch. “Is there a theme?”

Still not understanding their sudden excitement, she tried explaining again. “Um, yeah, Halloween.”

Leonard kept pressing her. “Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?”

Penny finally had enough. Sheldon wasn’t getting done on the phone anytime soon, it seemed, and the questions about the party seemed like they wouldn’t stop either. She needed to get out of the apartment. “Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.”

She closed the door behind her, promising herself to tell Sheldon the next time she saw him.

* * *

“I swear, for geniuses, those guys are such children,” Penny muttered as she grabbed Leonard’s Superman briefs and headed over to their apartment to return them from the laundry.

Opening the door – which was oddly never locked – she saw Leonard on the couch. “Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.”

Leonard started doing a strange combination of twitching and shuffling. “Those are not mine,” he denied.

Noticing an extremely beautiful woman sitting on their couch, Penny realized he was trying to play down something he saw as one of his nerdier tendencies. Evil Penny on her shoulder whispered in her ear, and she didn’t have it in her to ignore the voice this time. She played dumb and cornered him. “Really, they have your little name label in them.”

He was trapped and knew it, like the deer she used to hunt with her father. “Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbor Penny.”

Penny had to physically stop her eyes from rolling at the thought of Leonard spearfishing or hunting. Deciding that it wasn’t worth her time, she turned to the newcomer, who was standing and offering a hand.

“Hi,” said the stunningly beautiful brunette, tilting her head to one side and regarding her with interest.

“Wow, you don’t look that much alike,” Penny marveled, looking Sheldon’s twin up and down.

She barely registered Howard’s bravado, having been accustomed to ignoring him.

Sheldon took this opportunity to interject himself. “Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.”

A commotion behind her drew her attention to the door. Raj must have run up the stairs, he was breathing so hard. Miracle of miracles, he actually spoke in front of not just her but also Sheldon’s sister. “Hey, guess what. I’ve been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.”

His glee made his answering grin was almost blinding. “Yes, I’m very hopeful. Hello Missy,” he greeted. “They mentioned there may be side effects,” as his hand waved in a circle.

* * *

If this didn’t prove her acting mettle, nothing would, Penny thought as she watched the boys pathetically flirt with Missy. Raj was blabbering something about the name of a random Indian man Missy knew of and talking about the _Kama Sutra_ while Howard tried to pass off his Vespa as a ‘hog’.

She was in the kitchen standing next to Leonard while Sheldon was off in his room getting something for Missy. Turning to Leonard, who had yet to partake in the group flirting session, she stage-whispered, “Hey, Sheldon’s sister’s pretty cute, I w….”

“I wasn’t staring!” he protested after almost jumping out of his skin.

Penny rolled her eyes. He seemed to be trying to figure out whether he wanted to go over and try to seduce Missy or stay and flirt with Penny. “I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.”

“Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect,” he replied with painfully false nonchalance. He could be so sweet sometimes, it was hard to watch him be so self-conscious around women. Just then Sheldon came back in. In an instant, the memory of his casual dismissal of her, along with two subsequent weeks of near-indifference, made her uncomfortable. “So, um, I’ll just get going, then,” she said, eyes on her toes. Penny looked up and saw how uneasy the other woman was being the center of so much nerdy male attention. Deciding to throw her a rope – partially as a favor to Sheldon so he wouldn’t have to watch his friends hit on his sister – she offered to take Missy with her. “Missy, I’m going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?”

“God yes. Thanks,” the brunette breathed in relief.

Penny gave her a knowing smile as they walked to the door. “You’re welcome.”

Missy politely bade farewell to the group. “Bye guys,” she said, but kept her face on the door.

Howard, Raj and Leonard each responded. Mischievously, Penny decided to tweak Leonard’s nose, knowing where his thoughts were. “Goodbye Leonard!”

She’d caught him totally unaware. “Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.”

Their laughter followed them out the door.

* * *

Back at Penny’s apartment after getting their nails fixed up, the brunette was eyeing her from the easy chair. She obviously wanted to say something but was unsure how to proceed.

“Spit it out,” Penny said, relaxing back on her couch with a sigh.

“I know who you are,” Missy started.

“Sure you do. Penny Collins. We just met at your brother’s apartment before the Three Stooges started hitting on you,” Penny shot back.

“No, I mean I know you’re an actress in a show coming up. I saw you in an entertainment magazine back home,” explained Missy.

“Okay, but what does that have to do with anything?” Penny wanted to know.

“It’s just…I noticed you seemed to be really tense when Shelley came back,” Missy began, twisting her fingers into knots. That got Penny’s attention. Missy was working up to something, but if she was about to try to set her up with the Whack-a-doodle across the hall, they were going to have the shortest conversation in the history of the world.

“No I wasn’t,” she tried to deny.

Missy rolled her eyes before fixing her with a look. “Y’all might be an actress, but ain’t nobody can hide when they don’t want to be around Shelley. God knows I’ve seen the same look enough times as a kid.”

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I like Sheldon fine. I just had to get to my nail appointment,” Penny tried to deflect, getting up and going into the kitchen for a drink of water.

“Bullcrap,” Missy retorted. “Look, Shelley’s always been a little…different…if you read me. He’s always been buried in his sciencey stuff, so learning how to relate to people wasn’t anything he ever bothered with.”

Penny furrowed her brow, hoping the gesture of dubiousness would get Missy to the point.

“I just mean that whatever he did or said that made you take off like a rabbit from a coyote, he probably didn’t know he was doing. You shouldn’t hold it against him,” the brunette explained, moving to the breakfast bar and accepting a glass from Penny.

“Oh, don’t worry. I learned early on he doesn’t care for anything but his work and Star Trek,” Penny acknowledged after a sip.

“Just don’t write him off,” Missy pleaded. “I talk with him regular on the phone and he seems to like you – or at least not dislike you as much as he does most folks.”

Penny narrowed her eyes at the way Missy talked about her twin. An uncomfortable idea started to form. “You’re not trying to set me up with your brother, are you, Missy?” she asked.

“Oh no, sugar. Not at all. I don’t think Shelley’s ever shown any interest in any woman,” Missy shook her head, “I just don’t want him to lose a friend. Lord knows he has precious few.”

“Okay, good. And don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere,” Penny responded. “I live across the damn hall.”

Missy fixed her with the knowing stare again. “Do y’all have a man already?” she asked, blunt as she knew Penny was.

“Nope,” Penny shook her head as she popped the ‘p’ at the end of the word. “Caught the last one cheating.”

“Oh my,” came the brunette’s response. “That must have been awful.”

“Right up until when I squished his balls with a softball bat,” Penny chuckled. Explaining the story so often to her friends, she had come to peace with what happened.

Missy burst into laughter. “I knew I liked you. Y’all’d fit right in in Texas.”

“I haven’t had very many real boyfriends,” Penny explained, even as she wasn’t sure why she was telling this relative stranger her dating history, “even if I have dated a lot. It’s just not that easy for me to open up and trust a guy. I know Sheldon’s a bit different, so you don’t have to worry about anything.”

Missy quirked her eyebrows up again, staring at her as if she was reading all the meanings behind Penny’s words. “I think we could be pretty good friends, don’t you?”

“Uh, well, yeah,” Penny replied, unsure once more what the Texan was leading up to.

“Before I leave, I want to make sure we get each other’s phone numbers, so we can text and keep up with everything going on,” Missy said, a slight air of mystery to her words.

“Okay,” Penny answered, dragging out the word as if it would get Missy to explain more, but the brunette remained silent.

Instead, she clapped her hands on her knees. “Well, that’s that. Let’s go see what my genius brother and the Stooges are up to now.”

Leading the way over, Penny opened the door to the guys’ apartment and caught the tail end of an apparently contentious conversation.

Leonard had that familiar whine to his voice that he got whenever he wanted to manipulate someone. “Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.”

“Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister,” he said, offering a stick of string cheese.

Before Penny could pick her jaw up off the floor and smack the bejeezus out of him for even suggesting such a thing, Missy stepped around her and put her hands on her hips. “Oh really?” she challenged with more than a slight undercurrent of mayhem in her voice.

“Oops,” Sheldon said, earning a modicum of respect from Penny for at least having the sense to realize when he was in the wrong.

Missy looked around the room at the pathetic group. “Shelley, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?” she asked, not wanting to make a scene.

“Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me,” he mumbled as he turned to go to his room, leaving Penny with the guys.

An uncomfortable silence grew over the men as Penny looked at them with mirth in her eyes. “So, all three of you struck out with Missy, huh?” she grinned.

As one, they scowled at the floor.

* * *

After Missy left to return to Texas – with Penny’s phone number and a Facebook friendship established, the group settled down into their regular dinner activities. There was still some awkwardness between Sheldon and Penny, but she noticed he was making an effort to include her into their conversation and not ridicule her comments about Star Trek.

The next morning, Penny woke up to an apartment that seemed to have been visited by the cleaning fairies. Clothes were in a hamper in the corner, the floor sparkled it was so clean, and her dishes were drying in the rack.

Only one person’s obsessive-compulsive tendencies would lead to her entire apartment being cleaned overnight.

The entire fourth floor rang with her angry shout.

_“SHELDON LEE COOPER!!”_

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings! Here I am with another chapter. I know it's not as fast as it should be, but life does have a way of taking precedence, especially with a couple little ones running around the house. Thanks very much for taking a look! 
> 
> If you have the time, I'd really appreciate constructive feedback, especially on the Sheldon/Penny talk at the end. Writing Sheldon - especially early Sheldon - is a real challenge, so please let me know if I need to work on something to get his voice right. 
> 
> Also - yes, I know it's nowhere near canon for Penny to be a fan of Australian Rules Football, but I am :) My story, my rules. Creative license, and all that. 
> 
> Thanks!

Chapter 3

* * *

Penny looked around her apartment, realizing she’d gotten everything squared away. “Not that I had to clean very much after Doctor Whack-a-Doodle got through with the place,” she murmured. The nighttime cleaning episode still rankled at her, and she’d refused to spend any time with the guys in 4A until Sheldon came to her and apologized. It put a strain on everyone concerned – with the possible exception of Sheldon himself, because really, who ever knew what the nut job was thinking? – as Leonard had taken to coming over by himself to talk with her, but absent their usual gathering, it was awkward.

There were a number of times when she ran into Sheldon either by the mailboxes or in the hall when it looked like there was something he was about to say. He’d open his mouth like he was going to launch into one of his long-winded explanations, but invariably he’d change his mind and ask how her show was doing. Something was up but she couldn’t figure it out.

Coming back to the present, Penny shook her head at her truly pathetic décor. A few streamers across the picture window, a few orange and black knickknacks here and there, and some old Halloween music playing on her iPod speaker didn’t exactly make for a rocking scene, but it was all she had with her, and filming didn’t give her time to go shopping for more.

It was a far cry from Halloween at her family home; that was for sure. Like most people they lived around, her parents enjoyed decorating and celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas, but her father’s favorite holiday was always Halloween. He always turned the barn into the scariest haunted house in a five-county region. Strobe lights replaced the normal lighting, fake cobwebs hung from the rafters and across doorways, and all manner of fake goblins, witches, ghosts, and vampires popped up, dropped down, or shot out in front of the terrified visitors.

Halloween was her favorite holiday, too.

When she grew older, she was able to help her father decorate the barn. Penny’s enthusiasm at spending time with her father only grew when she saw his excitement instead of the ever-present twinge of disappointment around his eyes. It was something they could share without him feeling abandoned. Leaving home and her parents behind, decorating as much as possible for the best Halloween party she could throw was a way to hang on to the last happy memories she had with her father.

Shaking her head, Penny moved into the kitchen to get snacks ready. She might not have had time to go shopping for new decorations, but she refused to have a party without decent food for her guests – another lesson learned from her parents. She opened her fridge and stared at the immense array of snacks. When she was with Kurt, they’d been getting started as a couple in their new jobs, so money had been tight. More often than not they’d subsisted on Ramen or one of those five dollar ready-made pizzas. The first thing she promised herself after getting her role and leaving Kurt was that she would always keep real food in her fridge. She took tray after tray of sliced ham, salami, turkey, and other deli meats out of the fridge, setting them on her island. After that came trays of sliced cheddar, Muenster, baby Swiss, and other cheeses. After arranging her party food in a buffet-style layout, Penny made sure there was a basket of napkins and plastic utensils. Finally she set up an array of red plastic cups on the drink table.

Catching sight of the clock and realizing it was closer to 7 PM than she’d thought, Penny had to consciously calm the flutter in her stomach. This was the first party she would host by herself, and since the guests were largely people from the acting world – Kurt somehow got to keep most of their mutual friends in the ‘divorce’ by spreading lies that she was the one who cheated. While the thought initially bothered her, the farther away from that toxic relationship she got, the more she realized she neither wanted nor needed friends who would think Kurt was right.

Going over her mental list of who was coming and who wasn’t, the flutter in her stomach increased as she remembered that Brett Hammond would be there. Tall, thin but well-built, with devastating blue eyes, her co-star had quickly taken a starring role in her daydreams – and more than one nighttime dream, if she was being honest. Penny was hoping to use the party as an excuse to talk to him off-set. He’d been shy around her, which was endearing after the Kurt dumpster fire.

Shaking her head, Penny tried to rid her mind of these thoughts. She was newly out of an abusive relationship. He never hit her, to be sure, but little pinches and nudges that reminded her of his overwhelming physical advantages over her were intimidating, especially coupled with his frequent comments about her weight or appearance that had her constantly questioning her worth as a person. This absolutely wasn’t the time to go out of her way to start a new relationship.

Jennifer would be there, too. The unexpected bonus to shadowing her at the Cheesecake Factory to learn how big, busy restaurants operated was that she and the older waitress had developed a fast friendship. They had gone out for drinks, stayed late cleaning the restaurant, and had shopping days. Jennifer had proved a good sounding board for getting her life back on track post-Kurt as well as on how to handle her relationship with her parents. With the way most of her old friends had abandoned her in the wake of her breakup, Penny found herself profoundly grateful to have a confidant. In a lot of ways, Jennifer was proving the older sister she’d always needed but never had.

This party would be all about friendship.

Friendship.

Thinking of friendship made her think of the guys. Thinking of the guys made her think of Sheldon. Thinking of Sheldon brought her focus back to her original train of thought. The sneaky son of a gun snuck into her apartment and _cleaned_ it. He’d scrubbed the whole place to within an inch of its life, even.

The blatant violation of her privacy and living space overwhelmed the kindness in the gesture. Every time she thought about potentially forgiving him, Penny remembered the thought that someone had been in her apartment while she’d been sleeping. God only knows what the whack-a-doodle had done that she didn’t know.

She’d invited her oddball acquaintances across the hall. The manners she’d been raised with wouldn’t allow her to rescind the invitation, but that didn’t mean that she had to pay them any particular attention.

A malevolent smile grew across her face at the thought. Let her socially-challenged apartment cleaning friends deal with a crowd of people who were social and up on every trend. The evening was looking better and better.

* * *

At least, that was her plan. Naturally the guys had no idea what the social customs were, so to them showing up at 7:05 when she said the party started at 7 PM was ‘fashionably late’, not understanding that most people wouldn’t be there until after 8. Her eyes grew as she saw each of their costumes.

“So, let’s see,” she mused as she allowed the four into her living room. “Leonard is some kind of furry elf?”

Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard shared glances before Leonard turned back to her. “Well, actually, I’m Frodo Baggins from _The Lord of the Rings._ ”

Realization dawned. “Ohhhh! You’re a hobbit!” she exclaimed.

Raj and Howard shared a laugh while Sheldon rolled his eyes. When Leonard grimaced, she understood her mistake. “I mean you’re dressed like a hobbit. Sorry,” Penny apologized.

“Let’s see,” she said, continuing past the awkwardness. “Raj is some kind of Viking. Oh, wait! I’ve got it. You’re Thor, right?”

Since he couldn’t talk, Raj just gave her a blinding smile and hefted his hammer.

“And you’re Peter Pan?” Penny asked Howard.

“Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…” When Leonard rushed in to correct her, Howard interjected over him. “I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.”

“No, you don’t,” she gave a flat, blunt denial.

Not even looking at Sheldon until he apologized for breaking into her apartment and cleaning without her permission, Penny turned on her heel. “I’ve got to shower, so you guys, um, make yourselves comfortable.”

Leaving them alone in the living area while she went to take a shower still made her a little uncomfortable, but she couldn’t exactly turn them away. She just had to hope that the geniuses were intelligent enough to find the TV remote.

Her luck held out. They’d found the TV and were engrossed in some show or movie that had a ship flying across the screen. Because of course they would find something nerdy to watch.

The moment she was out in the living area, Leonard shot off the couch. Before she could even make it to the kitchen, he was inside her personal space bubble, eager puppy look firmly in place. “Do you need any help getting ready?”

Penny moved into her kitchen, noting how closely he was following. “No, thanks. I’ve got everything under control.”

His eagerness to please her was sort of cute. Not as cute as he seemed to think it was, but cute nonetheless. Too few of the guys she’d dated had been interested in “Oh. Yeah, I see that. It’s just that I’m kind of the party guru of our little group. Parties are kind of my thing.”

Penny had to suppress an eye-roll as he puffed out his chest. She settled for raising her eyebrows. “Right. When you’re not spear-fishing or crossbow hunting?”

Leonard turned red at the reminder of how he tried to make himself out to be a tough guy with Sheldon’s sister. “Yeah, well, I’m planning on taking up spearfishing at some point.”

Deciding to play with him just a bit, Penny put a pout on her face. “Oh, really? That’s too bad. Because, you know, I’ve actually gone crossbow hunting. I used to go all the time with my dad. If filming ever gives me a break, I was hoping to find some hunting areas outside LA.”

Leonard stammered and stuttered as he tried to change directions again. “W – well, that c-could be something I’d be interested in. I mean, if the company was right and everything,” he finished, waggling his eyebrows up and down.

This time Penny’s attempt to muzzle her laughter was completely unsuccessful. “I’m just teasing, you goof. I don’t have time for hunting anymore, and even if I did, I know it’s not your thing. I just came out here for a quick drink of water before getting ready. Go watch your space show while I put my costume on.”

As Leonard’s shoulders slumped and he went back to the couch, something about his actions tickled the back of her mind. Penny frowned as she went to her sink and filled a glass with water. After watching him try to pretend to be an extreme sportsman in front of Missy, he’d attempted it again when he thought he had a chance with her. She felt a stab of pity for Leonard, that he felt the need to change so much of himself for a woman.

Shaking her head free of the thought, she went back to her bedroom to change for the party. In the past she’d always worn the same basic cat costume of a leotard, tights, a tail, and ears. It was cheap, which was part of its allure when she was barely scraping by, but now that she was filming a real, honest-to-God television show, she decided to spring for something a little more elaborate.

The looks on the guys’ faces when she walked out was priceless. A flowing black cape with a red interior billowed behind her as she entered the main area of her apartment. She turned to the couch seeing for gaping jaws. Putting her hands on her hips, Penny thrust out her chest, emphasizing the black leather corset top she wore above black leather pants.

“Well, boysh,” she said, slurring slightly around her fake fangs, “How do I look?”

Howard and Leonard both stammered nonsense while Raj’s mouth just opened and closed. Only Sheldon regarded her in silence, looking up and down in a way that made her heart race. Something about those piercing blue eyes...

It was just too bad they came wrapped in such a crazy package.

When he opened his mouth to offer whatever anal comment he had about her costume, she turned on her heel once more and moved into the kitchen to start mixing the liquor into a ‘blood punch’ befitting her costume.

* * *

The rest of the night went along much the same path. It seemed like every time she turned around, Leonard was there. The situations differed, but each time he seemed to have some new way of ingratiating himself with her.

Mostly he tried to apologize for Sheldon. “The thing is, he’s just a big pile of crazy,”; “Cleaning your apartment was his way of acknowledging you’re friends,” and so on and so forth.

She managed to escape his efforts for a brief chat with Jennifer, who’d been hanging out in front of her bedroom door with a glass of wine. The relief that coursed through her system was palpable enough to leave her knees wobbly. “Thanks,” she grinned.

“No problem. He seems pretty taken with you, but I can totally see the need for a breather,” Jennifer said, returning the smile.

“Yeah, Leonard is like a Camry: dependable, but not flashy,” Penny’s smile grew at Jennifer’s bark of a laugh.

“So how’s the show going?” the older woman asked as she took a sip of her white wine.

Penny took a deep breath and thought about her answer. She was about to speak when Leonard appeared by her shoulder. “Yeah, Penny. Tell us about your show.” He tried to appear ingratiating with a huge smile and waggle of his eyebrows at Jennifer.

Fortunately, Penny was spared the effort of sending him on his way when Jennifer looked at him. “Excuse us, Leonard. Penny and I were about to have a private conversation. Do you mind?”

He looked lost. “Do I mind what?”

Jennifer rolled her eyes. “Do you mind leaving us alone? You know, for our private conversation?”

“Oh! Okay, sure. I’ll just be over at the couch, Penny,” he said, looking at her.

“Thanks, Leonard,” Penny answered, looking at Jennifer.

“Yeah. I see what’s going on,” Jennifer grinned. “So, back to what we were talking about: Your show?”

“Yeah, the show is going well. I mean, filming is going great, now that I know what the director expects…”

Finally, interrupted for the sixth time in conversation with Jennifer – to say nothing of how Leonard had somehow managed to run interference with Brett the entire evening – she snapped. “Leonard! I understand that you’re trying to apologize for Sheldon and while I think that’s sweet of you, he was the one who violated my privacy; he was the one who came into my apartment _while I was sleeping_ , so he’s the one who needs to apologize.” Without another word, Penny turned back to Jennifer. She tried to ignore the pleased look that spread across his face when she told him he’d been sweet.

Sure enough, before long, Penny heard someone clear their throat discreetly behind her. Before she’d even turned around she knew who it was. Winking at Jennifer, Penny said, “Yes, Sheldon?” and turned to greet the physicist.

“Penny, as you know, Leonard has been bound and determined to effect a reconciliation after the last two weeks. He’s made it more than obvious that he considers me to be in the wrong. While I don’t believe that I’ve made a mistake in providing a service to you, what I will acknowledge is that I should have sought your permission to enter your apartment. As such, I would like to offer my promise that it won’t happen again,” Sheldon said, head bowed.

“Did you just say you were sorry?” Penny asked. She wasn’t going to let him hide behind his big words. If he was going to apologize, she wanted it done right.

“Not in so many words, but the sentiment could be discerned thus,” he allowed.

Penny narrowed her eyes, looking at him hard enough to make him squirm. Behind her Jennifer snorted, knowing exactly what she was doing. After a long pause in which Sheldon grew increasingly uncomfortable, she relaxed and smiled at him. “You’re forgiven, Sheldon. I have to admit it’s been a lot nicer getting out the door in the morning when I know where everything is. Just don’t sneak in without asking me again, okay?”

“You’re welcome. And I understand,” Sheldon said quietly.

Before he could turn to leave, Penny reached out for his elbow. When Sheldon twitched violently away from her touch, she pulled her arm back, but she held eye contact. “Want to make it up to me?”

“In what way?” he asked suspiciously.

“I need practice working with a demanding customer for my show. Would you be willing to help me?” She asked.

“Oh, no, I couldn’t do that. I have far too much to do involved with my current research into M-theory,” he demurred, turning to make his escape.

Penny wasn’t quite finished though. Prepared for his reluctance, she waited until he was facing away before playing her ace. “I really need help for this role. Please. Help me, Sheldon Cooper. You’re my only hope.”

He stood straight up. When he faced her once more, there was a slight accusation in his eyes, but he nodded. “Never let it be said that Sheldon Cooper ignored a damsel in distress, especially one who can quote Star Wars. All right. I accept. I will come over tomorrow at dinnertime and we will practice for your show.”

Penny shot Jennifer a triumphant grin as Sheldon finally escaped back to the guys. “How the hell did you do that?” Jennifer marveled.

“What can I say? I know my geeks,” Penny gloated.

From there the party went just fine…until Kurt showed up.

* * *

As soon as the overgrown meathead pushed his way in her door, Penny’s heart sank. Someone in their mutual friend circle had told him about the party and he decided to crash. All the old fears and doubts rushed to the fore when she saw his sadistic smirk, but something was off with him. His eyes kept shifting side to side, and his gaze held actual desperation.

Experienced hunter that she was, Penny sensed a vulnerability. She kept her eyes on him as he affected a casual pose. “Nice new place, Penny,” he said, far too casually for her comfort.

“If I cared at all what you thought, I’d say thanks, but I don’t really give a damn anymore. What the hell are you doing here, Kurt?” she drawled.

“Well, I heard about your little get-together from Beth. She seemed to think you just forgot to tell me about it,” he smirked.

“That’s because I didn’t intend to invite you,” Penny shot back, folding her arms across her chest.

“That’s harsh, babe. Here I was thinking it was time to forget all about that little misunderstanding and move back in together,” he offered, shifting his posture slightly.

“’Little misunderstanding’?!” She blurted, flabbergasted. “That ‘little misunderstanding’ was me catching you balls-deep in some skank you picked up at the bar!”

“I know I made a mistake,” Kurt said, seriousness creeping into his voice, “but that won’t be a problem anymore.”

It was always Kurt’s eyes, Penny reflected. She could always tell by his eyes when he was lying. They shifted side to side, refusing to meet her gaze, and never reflected his expression. In that moment, when he promised he’d never sleep with another girl from the bar where he worked, she knew why he was really there. “You fucked the wrong chick, didn’t you?”

He actually looked embarrassed. “Um, yeah. Apparently the boss wasn’t too pleased that his daughter went home with the bouncer.”

Penny didn’t even try to stifle the guffaw that burst out at his admission. “And now you’re out of work and looking for a place to crash, right?”

Kurt’s smirk returned to his face, figuring he was in. “Pretty much. So I’ll just go get my stuff out of my car and head back up?”

Knowing she had him, Penny softened her stance and walked slowly up to him. “What’s the rush? The night is still young, isn’t it?”

“It is,” he murmured, leaning in for the kiss he knew was coming.

But what followed was hardly a kiss as Penny’s knee met his groin. Kurt’s eyes bulged out and he whimpered as he dropped like a sack of flour. She leaned over and got right in his face, grabbing his jaw to force him to look at her. “The last two times I’ve seen you have been extremely painful for one part of you. If I ever see your cheating, mooching face around here again, it won’t be a knee or a bat; I’ll show you exactly how I used to make bulls into steers. Do you understand me?” She had to shake off the smirk at using the same threat on another dumbass.

Kurt didn’t answer right away, focused as he was on the searing pain in his groin and trying not to throw up. Penny yanked his chin up again. “Do you understand me?” she repeated, voice growing colder and calmer with every word as she squeezed the bottom of his face.

“Ow! Ow! Son of a bitch! Yes! Yes, I understand, you crazy bitch!” Kurt spat.

Pushing his face away from her, Penny stood up and turned on her heel. “Get out of my apartment, you fucking slime ball.”

When he hobbled out, trying to salvage some of his pride by feebly slamming the door, Penny’s entire apartment burst into applause. Her hands started shaking as the adrenaline from the confrontation bled off. With a weak grin, she gave her guests a wobbly-kneed bow.

Just as the rest of the evening had gone, Leonard was by her side in a flash. “That was really dangerous, Penny. He could really have hurt you,” he accused.

Something she couldn’t exactly define flashed in Leonard’s eyes, but it spurred Junior Rodeo Penny back to the fore. “He has really hurt me, Leonard. That was me taking charge of my own life to make sure it never happened again.”

“Still, that was too risky. Next time you should let someone else handle the problem,” Leonard declared. “I may be shorter than, well, everyone else here, but this is the 21st century. 15,000 years ago, Kurt’s size and strength would have entitled him to his choice of female partners, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift since then. In the information age, I’m the alpha male here. I wouldn’t have backed down.”

Penny wasn’t sure whether to be offended or amused at his statement. The idea that he could have gotten Kurt to scurry away was laughable, but telling her not to stand up for herself was infuriating. “Listen, Leonard. I used to compete in Junior Rodeo. Even won a national medal. I’ve had more than a little experience handling dumb animals three times my size. I was totally in control.”

Not letting him have another word, Penny turned away and found Jennifer. “That was absolutely amazing,” the waitress gushed. You handled him perfectly!”

“Thanks,” Penny answered with a pasted-on smile, knowing it didn’t reach her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Jennifer asked, watching her closely.

“It’s just that last conversation with Leonard. I can’t believe he expected me to just stand aside while the ‘menfolk’ argued,” she responded, shaking her head.

“Well, you shot him down pretty good too,” Jennifer chuckled, “I think his balls shriveled up inside of him.”

Penny chuckled along with her, feeling the relief that comes on the downside of emotional confrontations and finding acceptance. “Thanks, I think.”

“Speaking of the genius twins,” Jennifer continued, arching her eyebrows as she stirred her drink, “Nicely done getting Sheldon to help you out.”

“Eh, it was just a simple request. Sheldon’s pretty much always helpful if you ask him the right way,” explained Penny.

* * *

Penny grinned as she heard her neighbor’s triple knock sounded in her apartment. After the boys had shown up five minutes ‘fashionably late’ to her Halloween party, she knew he’d be as punctual as ever. Fumbling with her remote muting the television instead of turning it off as she’d intended.

“Hi, Sheldon!” she greeted.

“Penny,” he acknowledged, moving past her and around the back of her sofa toward the dining table. “I suggest we set up here at the table. It will provide the most realistic experience of a restaurant table.”

“That works for me,” Penny smiled.

Moving into the kitchen, she reached for a notepad and pen when she heard him from the dining area. “Penny?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“What – what are you watching?”

She looked up and saw his attention riveted on her television. “Oh, crap. I meant to turn that off. Sorry, let me fix that.”

As she reached for the remote, he reached out and grabbed it from her hand, startling her. “No, wait. What is this?”

Flustered, Penny tried to keep her composure, overcoming years of being teased by her siblings and friends for liking a sport that none of them had ever seen before. “Oh, well, this is a recording that a friend of mine made for me of a football game from Australia the other day.”

“I’m from Texas…” Sheldon started, but stopped when he saw one player jump and brace his knees on another player’s shoulders to catch the ball.

She chuckled. “I know you are.”

His eyes never moved from the screen. “Football is ubiquitous in Texas. I’ve seen every form of football there was. Pee-Wee, Pop Warner, my brother’s high school team, college, and professional. Even soccer, once. I’ve never even heard of this Australian football.”

There was no teasing in his voice, so Penny cautiously looked at his face. Far from derisive, he was intrigued. Gesturing to the couch, she invited him to join her in watching at least a little longer. “I’ve been watching this for a few years. One of my cousins who I was always real close with went to college not far from us in Nebraska. Her second year there, she met an Australian student and they started dating. When I went to go visit, they were watching one of these games. He was a good guy, so he explained the rules to me, and I just…I don’t know. The more I watched the more I liked it.”

“You said this was a recording, correct? So how recent is this?” Sheldon asked.

Penny nodded. “This is from last week. It’s what they call the Grand Final. It’s the championship game kind of like our Super Bowl.”

He nodded his understanding. “Are you cheering or ‘rooting’ for either of them?”

She had to stifle a grin as he actually made the quotation mark gesture with his fingers around the word ‘rooting’. Sheldon’s awkwardness with normal social interactions was becoming part of his charm. “No, the team I picked to cheer for is called the Collingwood Magpies. They’ve got one of the biggest fan bases in Australia, and they’ve been pretty good for the past few years. Too bad for me, they lost the previous game to the blue and white team here, the Geelong Cats.”

He nodded, accepting her explanation. Watching his father’s disappointment every year the Oilers missed the playoffs had inured him to the dejection of a sports fan at the end of a season. For his part, Sheldon continued watching the game, but listening to her explanations and absorbing what she said about the game. Every so often, he asked her to explain a certain rule. He was particularly interested in her explanation of what consisted of a mark and how points were awarded for goals. Once he had those two concepts understood, the game became simpler to understand.

Far from the disinterest or even outright ridicule that she’d expected, Penny found in Sheldon someone actually engaged with the sport and eager to learn more. She could tell he was never one to be a sports fan as a child, but hearing stories of being forced to play or watch games in his youth, she could understand how it would be more interesting for him when it was his choice.

Plans to practice waiting on a difficult customer forgotten, they sat on the couch until the final siren and Geelong’s celebration. Penny expected Sheldon to head back over to his apartment, but he surprised her again, thanking her for introducing him to the sport and setting up at the dining area table. She bit her lip in a soft smile as she once again retrieved her pad and pen, a trill of excitement shooting through her at the thought of having a friend that would watch her new favorite sport with her.

* * *

“…and that’s how Uncle Billy lost his thumb. Looney Tunes wasn’t wrong: never trust a coyote next to dynamite,” Penny finished her story with a sage nod.

She hoped for something, anything that would indicate her odd neighbor found the story amusing. A flicker of a laugh, a twitch of his mouth, even a roll of his eyes would have made the effort worth it, but he sat on her bar stool at the kitchen island with a flat look on his face. The plate, cup, and silverware set out in front of him might as well have not even been there for all the notice he took of them.

As the silence stretched out and entered an uncomfortable length, she shifted on her feet. Finally Sheldon cleared his throat. “Ahem.”

“Yes?” Penny asked, unsure of what he was about to say.

“I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and you have yet to take my order,” he declared, not quite scowling.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, “I didn’t know we’d started.”

“Penny, Penny, Penny,” Sheldon shook his head, “The meal-ordering experience begins when the diner takes his seat. Your homespun diner in Nebraska might have allowed time for chitchat with the patrons, but in the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area, restaurants will be busy enough that they want to get diners in and out as quickly as possible.”

Penny scrambled for the pad and pen she’d set out before Sheldon arrived, flustered enough that she knocked them to the floor on her first attempt. When she stood back up, her hair had come loose from the messy, clipped arrangement she’d had it and partially covered her eyes. Blowing out a breath to clear her vision, she saw him frowning. “IF you’re quite ready?”

She had to restrain her sigh at the Whack-a-doodle. “Yes. Sorry,” Penny cleared her throat before proceeding. “May I take your order, sir?”

This time she caught a flicker of amusement pass his eyes. “Finally. I’ve been waiting to order my meal for far too long. Now, what are your specials today?”

Caught by surprise, Penny stammered and stuttered until she realized that he was just asking a question any other diner might ask. If she was a waitress at a real restaurant, she’d know the specials that day. Seeing the corner of his mouth turn up at her consternation, she narrowed her eyes before shooting an answer as she flipped her pad open. “Baked halibut with extra clam sauce, grilled rabbit, and anchovy pizza.”

That brought on a breathy…something…that she eventually realized was Sheldon Cooper’s way of laughing. “Excellent improvisation. Specials that not many, if any, real restaurants would feature. I will have your barbeque bacon burger.”

“Excellent choice. I’ll be right back with your order, sir,” she grinned and turned to pretend to get his food.

“Hmm,” Sheldon humphed. “Okay, let’s talk about that abysmal attempt at waiting on a customer so we can figure out where to improve for the future.”

“Ab – abysmal?” Penny worried, wondering what he could possibly be on about now. “What was wrong with it?”

“What was wrong with it?” he repeated, looking incredulous as his mouth started twitching. “You told me an inane story about your family that no random stranger in a restaurant would want to hear, you didn’t ask what I wanted to drink, and you didn’t know the specials, not to mention the fact that you didn’t ask how I wanted my burger or see if there was a special way I wanted it arranged. Need I go on? The only thing you did well was ad-lib random specials.”

Jaw agape, Penny regarded him wonderingly, not sure she would ever serve a customer that exacting. “Are you kidding? Would anyone even want me to ask them how they would want their burger arranged?”

“Hm. Well, I guess we’re through here, if you’re not going to take this seriously,” Sheldon said, getting to his feet.

“No! Wait, Sheldon. I’m sorry. You just caught me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be that…particular,” she ventured. “Can we try this again?”

He stopped his attempt to leave, looking at her through narrowed eyes. “You asked me to give up my valuable time to help you practice handling an exacting customer. Do you promise to take this more seriously?”

Penny nodded, seeing how earnestly he was taking this. “Absolutely. I promise.”

Satisfied, Sheldon sat back down.

“Good evening. My name is Penny, and I’ll be taking care of you today,” she started, the picture of dedication despite the glint of humor in her eyes. “May I tell you the specials for today?”

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Cut! Collins, you’re still not getting it,” the director’s booming accusation sent a spike of pain directly through Penny’s brain. Six months into filming and Chase Barker – she’d just gotten to the point of being able to think the man’s name without smirking – was grating on her nerves more than most people she’d ever met.

Forcing down her frustration, Penny turned from her co-star on the set and faced her director, waiting for his latest tirade on her failures. If she tried, she could almost see cartoon-style steam shooting out of his ears and funny designs dancing in his dark eyes. His shiny forehead, which took up most of the man’s head now that she really looked at it, was reddening as she watched. It took a conscious effort not to laugh when she realized how much the man actually looked like Elmer Fudd.

“Okay, let’s go over it _again_ ,” he grumbled, striding up to her. “You’re a waitress at the end of a long day. Lots of crappy customers. You’ve been pinched, yelled at, had food thrown at you, the whole nine yards. You get this customer who’s one of the worst of the lot. He’s picky, particular, and pedantic. You’re not supposed to react like you want to have his babies. Think! How would a real waitress react to this asshole after that kind of day?”

Taking a deep breath, Penny considered the situation. Thinking back over her last run-through of the scene, she had been far too solicitous to the customer. Knowing he was the main romantic interest for her character, she’d treated the encounter almost like a date. “Okay. I got it.”

He looked at her, dubiousness oozing from his pores, but instead of pressing the issue, Barker threw up his hands and went back to his chair. “Once more, from the top. Let’s try to get it right this time.”

When everyone returned to their places for that particular scene he looked around, making sure everything was perfect for the shoot. Waiting a long moment – to let the actors get just the slightest bit uncomfortable, Penny always figured – he finally bellowed, “Action!”

Following her memorized script, Penny flipped open a restaurant order pad, blew a bubble with her gum, and walked over to where her co-star Brett, in his role as Hunter, sat alone at a table, perusing a fake menu. “Hi there!” she bubbled with an exaggerated smile. “I’m Riley and I’ll be your server tonight. Would you like to know the specials?”

He put the menu down and regarded her with suspicion. “No, thank you. I came in for one thing and one thing only. I want to order a pizza.”

Looking incredulous, Penny channeled her character’s inner frustration and fatigue with the hypothetical insane day. “Um, we’re not a pizza restaurant. Is there anything I can get you off the menu there on the table?” she asked, putting heavy emphasis on the menu to give the customer a hint.

“I know you’re not a pizza restaurant, but you are a restaurant and I am here. There is a chef in the kitchen, correct?”

“Yes,” she nodded, feigning her confusion as to where the ‘customer’ was going with the question.

Brett folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. “So don’t you think the chef has the capability to make a pizza? Or are their skills limited entirely to what the menu contains?”

Beyond this point, she had no lines. Her reactions and dialog was supposed to flow naturally, or something like that. The scene only called for her to become flustered and overcome the problem. It wasn’t easy, but just as she could sense the director getting impatient, her mind flashed back to how she practiced with Sheldon. Remembering his almost impossibly particular order reminded her of how he insisted she learn to respond to his demands firmly, but pleasantly.

The unsettlingly blue eyes of her neighbor which so often caused her butterflies had an oddly calming effect on her in that moment. She flashed Brett an indulgent smile. “Well, you see, there are a lot of other customers here. Corporate sets the menu with different dishes the cook can make quickly so that we can serve all our patrons in a timely fashion.”

“Flour, cold water, yeast, roll it, bake it. How much trouble could it possibly be for him to make something so simple?” Brett droned in his best irritating persona. Knowing how sweet of a guy he usually was almost made Penny laugh, but she turned it into a grimace that fit the scene.

“Look, Mr….?”

“Lang,” he supplied.

“Mr. Lang,” Penny continued, planting her hands on the table in front of him and pinning him in place with her best death glare, ignoring the flash of heat that shot through her as Brett took a quick glance down her top. “I’m just finishing up a twelve-hour shift. So far, I’ve had food thrown at me by the parents of a group of loud kids, had my ass pinched so many times that even driving home is going to be painful, and more than one customer has actually screamed at me for bringing them the dish they ordered when they thought it was going to be something else. So let me just say thank you for bringing this extra bit of wonderfulness to my day. You’re not at a pizza restaurant, so no, I’m not going to guilt the chef into specially making something that isn’t on our menu when the rest of the place is this crowded,” she stopped her soliloquy long enough to take a breath before plastering a fake smile on and continuing in a sickly sweet voice, “So I will ask you one more time: what would you like for dinner from our menu?”

Sufficiently cowed, Brett picked up the menu and made a show of looking it over before ordering. “I’ll have the grilled chicken sandwich, fries on the side,” he requested.

“I’ll put that right through for you,” she answered, the smile on her face becoming genuine. She turned and walked off-set. Knowing Brett was watching, she put an extra sway in her hips.

“Cut!” Barker shouted, bringing everyone back for his critique. He wasted no time looking at anyone but Penny. “Nice job, Collins. Exactly what I wanted for that scene. Great work.”

As he turned to give orders for the next scene, Penny looked at Brett with an open mouth, eyes shining. He gave her a wide smile and thumbs-up.

“Damn right!” she said to herself.

* * *

A soft knock sounded at her dressing room door as Penny slid into the jeans she’d picked to wear home that evening. Not expecting anyone, she looked at the door with a small amount of unease, but after clicking on her personal security camera, she took a deep breath. “Come in,” she called. _At least whomever it is knocked._

Brett’s messy-on-purpose dark hear poked around the door. “Hey, Penny,” he greeted.

“Brett. Is anything wrong?” She was proud of the way her voice hid the nerves she was feeling as he came into her room. A sudden thought occurred to her. “Aw, man. Do we need to re-shoot anything? I JUST got all this makeup off!” Penny groaned.

He shook his head with a chuckle. “No, no. Nothing like that. I just wanted to come by and say…” he faltered, uncharacteristically for him. At her questioning glance he pursed his lips. “Say that I think you did a great job with that restaurant scene today. It’s not easy to improvise like that, especially with a jerk like Barker out there.”

“Thanks,” she responded, giving him a genuinely warm smile.

“So,” he began, looking down and rubbing his neck. “Do you, ah, do you maybe want to get together and run some lines for next week’s shows this weekend?”

Penny hid her smile with her hand as she saw how nervous he was. As he finally looked up and met her eye, she smothered the grin. His intimidation around her was cute, but when Penny Collins saw an opportunity, she reached out and grabbed it with both hands. “Brett Hammond,” she said in a low voice that was almost a purr. “Are you asking me out?”

Her tease got his attention. Seeing the glint in her eye, he shot her a smirk of his own. “Yeah, I am, actually. Would you like to get a bite to eat on Saturday and then run our lines?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” she answered.

* * *

As she parked her car, Penny breathed a sigh of relief. She knew the car was old when she bought it, but every time it parked successfully, she said a silent thank you’ to whichever deity might have been watching out for her safe travel. The ‘check engine’ light being constantly on was a bother, but the car never showed signs of serious distress. The paychecks from the show were starting to pile up – and she almost had to pick her jaw up off the floor when she saw the first one – but the car had seen her through high school and part of community college before she’d moved to California. It had been the same car that she threw everything she could carry in before leaving the cheating bastard she used to call her boyfriend. As silly as it sounded, she was attached to the car and wanted to see just how far it could carry her.

Still, getting the oil changed might get rid of the light. As she got out of her faithful ride, Penny found the smile on her face refused to go away. For the first time the director had paid her a real compliment related to her acting ability, not her looks. Things had started rocky on the show, but they just might be turning around. The upcoming date didn’t hurt her good mood either. Brett was someone she was excited to date and get to know – and maybe take back to this very building, she thought with another smirk – off the set.

As she approached the lobby door, she thought about going to see if Sheldon was around to thank him for his help with her practice and maybe see if he wanted to watch a movie later on. Her heart started beating faster at the thought. Crazy though he was, there was something about him that drew her in.

With a spring in her step, Penny closed and locked her car and walked into the building. A thin, mousy-looking woman with long, straight hair was holding a package and staring at the elevator as if she was waiting for it to open. Looking down, Penny saw the ‘Out of Order’ sign was on the floor.

“Oh, yeah, no, this thing’s majorly out of order,” she explained as she picked up the sign and re-attached it to the elevator. “See? Sorry.”

The waif didn’t seem concerned. “That’s okay. Guess I’m taking the stairs.”

“Where you going?” Penny asked, making conversation as they walked up together. She looked like a college student, so there was a chance she was here to see one of the guys.

Sure enough, “4-A.”

“Oh, are you here to see Leonard?” Penny asked, knowing that with Sheldon’s well-known aversion to dating the woman was probably not bringing food for him.

That’s when things got weird. “No, Dr. Cooper,” the other woman answered, undertones of excitement in her voice.

Couldn’t be. “Dr. Sheldon Cooper?” Penny tried to clarify.

And weirder. “We’re having dinner.”

Penny blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of what she was hearing. From what she’d been able to tell thus far, Sheldon didn’t exactly seem to be the kind of guy that went out of his way for a date. “Sheldon Cooper? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis?”

And weirder still. “He is cute, isn’t he?”

“ _Sheldon_ Cooper?” Penny asked, wondering if she’d heard correctly. Sensing that she wasn’t going to get any explanation from Sheldon’s….person, she followed her up and into the guys’ apartment.

“Hi, Leonard,” the woman greeted when Leonard opened the door.

Leonard smiled just a little too widely at her, Penny noticed. “Hey, Ramona. Come on in.”

 _Her name is Ramona. Of course her name is Ramona. Why would it be anything different?_ Penny thought to herself as she came in after Ramona.

“Thanks. Where should I put this?” Ramona asked, nodding to the paper bag in her arms.

Leonard seemed as nonplussed as Penny herself was. “Uh, the kitchen’s fine,” he answered before turning to Penny. “Hey, what are you doing?”

“I need to see this,” she said, eyes fixed on the unfolding drama.

With a grin, Leonard indicated the sofa. “Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon,” he called, “your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.”

Coming down the hall from his room, Sheldon looked at his guest. “Oh, hello.”

As if bringing food wasn’t enough, Ramona rushed to apologize. “Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.”

Penny’s surprise only grew as she watched the student – Ramona could only be a CalTech student of some kind – almost worshipping Sheldon Cooper, who seemed to be completely oblivious. “Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?”

Suppressing a laugh at the mental image of anyone playing soccer with themselves, Penny could only watch as Ramona went fangirl all over Sheldon. “So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.”

Sheldon looked entirely too smug for his own good at that. “My hypotheses tend to have that effect,” he said.

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring enough for your friends. I assumed we were going to be alone,” Ramona declared in a voice too loud to be for just Sheldon’s benefit.

Leonard was the first to realize the awkwardness. “Oh, yeah. No, we were just going.”

“To watch, right?” Howard asked, seemingly reluctant to give up watching the tableau.

Trying to allow his roommate privacy for…whatever they were going to do, Leonard prodded everyone along. “No, come on, now, we’re going out.”

Penny wasn’t ready to leave either. “Oh, come on, we’ll be quiet.”

“Let’s go,” Leonard insisted. “Okay, you two, just, have a nice… whatever this is.”

Once the door closed behind them, Penny looked at the three surprised men that followed her out. “So slutty students are Sheldon’s deal, eh?” Disappointment ran through her, though she wasn’t exactly sure why.

“What do you mean ‘deal’?” Leonard asked.

Unable to fully explain what she meant, Penny turned to examples. “Oh come on. Everyone has a deal. You know, something that gets them going. For some people it’s girls, for some it’s guys, others it’s people in animal costumes or sock puppets. His deal.”

Understanding dawned and Leonard nodded his comprehension. “Honestly, we’ve been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.”

She scoffed. “Come on, everybody has a deal. Sheldon obviously goes for the students who need a little ‘extra credit’.”

“If it was anyone else, sure, but not Sheldon. Over the years, we’ve formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I’m an advocate of mitosis,” Howard explained.

The word sounded familiar, but it was from deep in her past. Like something she might have heard in high school when she should have been paying more attention to the teacher. “I’m sorry?” Penny asked.

Folding his hands, Howard adopted the same tone a teacher would have: “I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.”

“On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and someday he’ll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton,” Leonard chimed in with his eager little grin.

“Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares,” Penny winced at the grotesque mental image and moved to leave the guys to the rest of their evening.

“Hey, do you want to hang out with us?” Leonard asked, never wasting an opportunity to involve her in their activities.

Although Penny still felt the glow from her better performance on set, she was tired from the day’s filming. Unsure if she really wanted to hang out with anyone that evening, she turned back from her door and looked at the three scientists. “What are you guys gonna do?” she asked.

From the resulting silence Penny knew they’d had no ideas. Leonard was just using any excuse he could find to spend time around her. It was cute, but she felt slightly uncomfortable knowing how hard he was working to involve her.

“Uh…” he started.

Before the silence could drag on too long, Howard jumped in. “My mom’s making a brisket tonight.”

The promise of cooked meat seemingly made Leonard forget about her presence. “The one with the little onions? Mmm.”

Seizing her chance, Penny made her escape. “Yeah, I’m busy, so, goodnight.”

Once inside, she shook her head at the strange turn her day had taken.

* * *

 The television’s flickering light washed around her as a repetitive series of knocks dragged her out of the light nap she’d fallen into during an airing of some random _Real Housewives_ episode.

_Knock knock knock_

“Penny.”

_Knock knock knock._

_“_ Penny.”

_Knock knock knock._

“Penny.”

“Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time,” she husked, voice still raspy from sleep as she opened the door to the tall glass of crazy from across the hall.

“Please, please,” he begged as he marched into her living room, “I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.”

Penny’s eyes widened. “Get rid of her…how?”

Sheldon shook his head. He must have been agitated to be speaking as fast as he was, Penny thought. “I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and I need help getting out of it.”

“Excuse me? How am I supposed to help you out of…whatever the hell is going on over there?” she asked, not sure she’d heard him right.

Sheldon waved his hands, agitation growing with each moment. “You’re not in a relationship, so you must know how they usually end. I don’t. After the way I helped you with your rehearsals, you need to help me out of this mess.”

Putting her hands on her hips, Penny tried to glare at him. “Okay, first of all, just because I’m not in a relationship now doesn’t mean that I’m an expert at ending them. Second of all, I just made a date with a new guy today, so there’s a chance I’ll be in a relationship again,” she paused as a look flashed across Sheldon’s face too quickly to figure out what it was. All Penny could tell was that he didn’t exactly like hearing that she had a date. _Interesting, but no way am I going there right now._ She left that thought alone and continued her soliloquy, “and third of all, I don’t know what you think I can do here, but…” her indignant retort cut off at the sound of a shriek from outside her apartment.

“Dr. Cooper?!”

“Hide me!” Sheldon was working himself into a panic, flinging his arms to the side as he paced around the living room.

Penny gaped. “Hide you? Do you really think you’re going to hide here in my apartment?”

“Pretend I’m your boyfriend. You’re jealous that she’s been spending so much time in my apartment. Chase her off!”

_Pretend I’m your boyfriend._

Her mind jumped eight years into the past, when she was a fourteen-year old freshman in high school.

Hunter Mathis, sixteen-year old junior, was one of the most popular guys in school. Well-built and good-looking with long, flowing hair, he spent her entire fall semester flirting with her. She would find notes slipped into her locker, grins whenever they passed in the hall, and he even started sitting with her in the cafeteria at lunch. At one point he’d even taped a flower to the locker door.

Fresh out of the travails and drama of middle school and feeling more grown-up than she had ever felt before, Penny had been so amazed to have such attention from one of the older boys. Her friends were so jealous, but excited for her all the same. The entire semester her feet barely touched the floor as she waited for him to make his move, figuring that the winter formal dance would be the night.

Then it had come crashing down. Just as Penny had started to get worked up for the dance, he’d asked another junior. The whole thing had been a charade to get the other girl jealous.

She was humiliated. Her friends, while supportive, gently teased her. Her enemies were merciless. It was in that moment that Penny, remembering exactly how she was trained to handle aggressive bulls and unbroken stallions for the rodeo - made herself a promise that she would never again allow anyone to have that much power over her. She managed to keep that promise until Kurt’s lies, and was only now picking up the pieces after that particular disaster.

“This is getting ridiculous,” Penny groaned, flashing back to the present. “No, I will not pretend to be your girlfriend.”

As footsteps sounded in the hall outside her apartment, Sheldon’s eyes, which had previously held an almost manic glint, became calm and resolute. “Help me, Penny Collins. You’re my only hope!”

Penny straightened as her own plea was cast back in her face. It was a request for a favor that she couldn't turn down after he helped her. Turning to the door as it burst open, she took in the mousy woman from the elevator. She’d thought Sheldon’s eyes had been manic, but one look into Ramona’s crazy eyes made him seem calm and placid by comparison. With a start, Penny realized the girl might actually be legitimately unbalanced.

“Why aren’t you working?” she barked at Sheldon, ignoring Penny completely, never mind the fact that they were in Penny’s apartment.

“Um… she distracted me,” Sheldon started to say before Penny cut him off.

“I needed help with my Wi-Fi. Sheldon was kind enough to get me up and running again, so I was about to make him some tea as a thank you,” Penny explained, hoping the crazy girl took enough meaning from the added emphasis in her voice to back off a bit.

No such luck.

Ramona turned to Sheldon with her left hand on her hip and pointed at the door with her right. “Those equations aren’t going to reconcile themselves, Doctor Cooper. Get your butt back in there and get to work!”

To Penny’s extreme shock, he actually complied. Without a backward glance, he walked out of her living room like a scolded toddler and went back to his own apartment.

“I know what’s going on here,” Ramona accused.

“Really? Well, then will you explain it to me?” Penny asked.

In all seriousness, Ramona looked straight at her and declared, “You’re in love with Dr. Cooper.”

It took some work, but Penny was just able to restrain her laughter. “Uh, yeah, no, that’s not it.”

Ramona shook her head and moved closer, forcing Penny to step backward. “Don’t try to deny it. He’s a remarkable man, but you have to let him go.”

 _She really is a lunatic_ , Penny thought. _Okay, the best way to deal with a crazy person is to make them think they have what they want._ “Oh, gee, okay.”

The other woman took on the air of a cult follower. “I know it’s hard, but he’s a gift to the whole world, and we can’t be selfish.”

About to agree and push Ramona out of her apartment, Penny remembered her promise to Sheldon. “Well, if you want to give him a gift, ease off the slave-driver routine.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Even the great minds need time to rest and power down. Let him have some fun every so often,” Penny urged.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ramona snarked.

Realizing Ramona was beyond help, Penny just shook her head and pushed the other woman out the door. “Holy crap on a cracker.”

* * *

When the entire thing came apart – Leonard later told her that Ramona had tried to weasel in on whatever project she’d been helping Sheldon with – Penny thought about going over to talk to Sheldon, to see if he would need any consolation.

Not in the slightest. Leonard explained that Sheldon had been oblivious enough to Ramona’s physical advances that the entire thing had consisted of her trying to bully him into working so she could claim coauthor credit. _He even has whack-a-doodle style relationships,_ she’d chuckled to herself on her way out, trying to figure out why Leonard left her feeling uneasy. He was nice enough, but she got the sense that he was waiting for any kind of indication from her that she was interested to make a move.

Telling him about her date with Brett, which had gone extremely well, was a great idea. Leonard backed off and beyond giving her a wounded-puppy look left the matter alone.

Always leery of dating people she worked with, knowing how badly it could crater when things ended, Penny was pleasantly surprised to see how well things were going with Brett. Their chemistry seemed to bleed over, making their scenes that much smoother.

_Things are finally going right._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? I feel like something is missing, but I can't tell exactly what. I'm too close to it, I think. Maybe you'll find something that escaped me. The only thing I can think to include would be the date scene. Would that add something to the narrative or distract? 
> 
> Constructive feedback is always welcomed!
> 
> However you celebrate, I hope your holiday season is a wonderful, magical time!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny quits the Cheesecake Factory, a grasshopper and a princess legend.

Chapter 5

* * *

 

Penny picked up her tray with a weary sigh. She rocked back and forth from her heels to the balls of her feet, trying to find a standing position that didn’t send jolts of pain from her ankles to the very pads of her toes, but it wasn’t looking good. Working two jobs – even though one wasn’t official, her real job was exhausting enough – was draining the energy out of her. Being on her feet for almost eighteen hours a day when she was at The Cheesecake Factory was more exhausting than she’d ever anticipated.

Needing a distraction from the fatigue seeping through her bones, she thought back to her date with Brett. Going into things with such hope, she’d been disappointed.

It was time to leave the restaurant behind. She’d gained enough experience shadowing Jennifer, plus becoming good friends as they had, that her confidence for the show was at an all-time high. Giving a look to the floor, she instead walked into the manager’s office.

Knocking at the door, she looked inside for Katherine Douglas, an initially brusque woman who was reluctant to take Penny on as a shadow, but nevertheless warmed to her over time. “Come in,” she heard a distracted voice call from inside.

“Katherine?” Penny asked, using the manager’s name as a way to ask if she was busy.

“Penny! Come on in. Sit down,” she gestured to the chair across her desk, “What can I do for you?”

Sitting down, Penny folded her hands and looked at her sort-of boss. “I need to give you my two-week notice,” she said quietly, unsure how Katherine would respond. _She’ll probably laugh and throw a party,_ she mused.

Far from it, Katherine actually seemed a bit dismayed. “I knew you wouldn’t be here forever,” she said. “I wasn’t really excited to have you on here when you started. I thought you wouldn’t have the dedication to bring your best every day, but you proved me wrong, Penny. Even when you made mistakes, you owned them and you made it right.”

Surprised and gratified, Penny smiled. “Thanks. I really appreciate hearing that, especially because I wasn’t here to be a full-time permanent waitress for you. Working here has been a huge help to get me ready for my show.”

“You did great,” Katherine told her, standing and walking around the desk. “It’ll be a shame to lose you, but you’re on to bigger and better things. As much of a cliché as that is to say, it’s true in your case.”

Penny stood and surprised even herself by wrapping her manager in a hug. “When the pilot airs, I’ll make sure to include a thank you to the Cheesecake Factory and you personally in the credits.”

Returning the hug, Katherine chuckled. “You don’t need to hang around here two weeks, kiddo. Go do your show.”

Stepping back, Penny regarded her soon-to-be-former manager. “You sure?”

“Yeah, get out of here. Just take care of your regular table one more time. Matter of fact, show Jennifer how to get your regulars’ order down right.”

“I will. Thank you so much, Katherine!” Penny gushed. She didn’t even notice that her feet didn’t hurt nearly as much on the way out as they did when she entered.

* * *

Approaching her friends, Penny saw someone with them she hadn’t met before. Shorter than her, with curly brown hair, the woman stood at an angle to the table, directly facing Leonard. Her posture wasn’t closed off or rigid, but relaxed and welcoming. Leonard himself wore a happy expression. Penny watched for a moment and saw a twinkle in his eyes as he laughed at something she said. _He’s flirting with her!_

Penny decided it was a moment she couldn’t pass up, so she walked over to the group. Leonard had been acting strangely around her ever since she’d turned down his slightly veiled pleading for her to join their group during the Ramona debacle. She paused watching the openness between them, the way that the woman stood casually, posture exuding familiarity, while Leonard’s eyes almost twinkled as he grinned at something she said.

She grinned before finishing her trip to the table. It would be too much fun to tweak him in public to pass the chance up, plus it might end up helping him. Sauntering over with an extra sway in her hips, she put a flirtatious smile on her face as she got to the table, standing a little closer to Leonard than she normally would have.

“Hi, Leonard! Guys,” she added, looking around at the rest of the table.

Scrambling to make introductions, Leonard gestured to the new woman. “Leslie, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.”

“And walks in quiet beauty like the night,” came from the other side of the table.

Penny forced down a shudder and turned to its source. “Howard, I’ve asked you not to do that.”

“Leslie and I do research together at the University,” Leonard interjected a touch too hastily, obviously intending to stamp out any uncomfortableness.

Turning impressed eyes to the brunette, Penny gave a genuine smile. “Oh, wow, a girl scientist!” She immediately hid her grimace. It wasn’t the most eloquent of compliments, but after spending time around the guys, she hadn’t seen any smarter girls hanging around, Ramona notwithstanding.

Leslie met her awkwardness in stride, not even rolling her eyes. “Yep. Come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So,” she turned to Leonard, “I’m glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.

“What happened to Elliot Wong?”

Penny watched as Leslie didn’t even bat an eyelash as she described some horrible radiation accident like it was the common cold. None of the guys seemed fazed, either. If these kinds of things were normal enough that no one thought it was strange that someone had an accident like that, maybe it was a good thing she hadn’t given Leonard any reason to hope. She shook her head as Leslie seemed to be finishing whatever explanation she was giving.

“…So, are you in?”

Penny watched as Leonard gave what he probably thought was a nonchalant shrug. “Yeah, sure, why not.”

Returning his shrug with a small grin of her own, Leslie plowed forward. “Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.”

Leonard looked confused. “Why at my place?”

Leslie’s face never changed expression. “Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you,” she threw out almost as an aside as she turned and left with no other farewell to the group.

“Yeah, you too,” Penny called, feeling the awkwardness of saying goodbye to someone who had already left. “Leonard, I didn’t know you played the cello.”

“Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough,” he deadpanned.

“Well, your friend’s really cute. Anything going on with you two?” she poked, cocking out her hip.

“Leslie? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?” he protested, but it sounded weak to everyone there.

As Penny watched him sputter his denials, she had to stifle a smile. He was trying so hard to appear more confident than he was, but the effect was merely someone trying too hard.

She was writing down their order when Sheldon interjected. “He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure.”

Leonard’s forearms muffled most of his reply. “Thank you Sheldon.”

Penny watched as genuine confusion colored Sheldon’s face. “Oh, I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?”

Needing to escape to place their food orders, Penny settled for a quick conciliatory, “Oh, that’s too bad, you guys would make a cute couple,” before bolting to the kitchen.

* * *

Later that evening, Penny sat on her couch, reading the next script for _Table for Two_ and shaking her head. Her character, and by extension her entire role, was needlessly limited. The entire show revolved around the restaurant, making her role as waitress one of the central parts of the whole storyline, but she was relegated to a background character.

Her gaze fell on her liquor collection. Taking in the dust, an idea for how to make her character more central to the show sprang into her mind. She jumped off the couch and dashed over to the guys’ apartment.

As she expected, Raj, Leonard, and Howard were arranged around the coffee table while Sheldon was pecking away at his computer. “Hi, guys!”

“Oh, hey,” Leonard responded, looking up at her.

“I need some guinea pigs,” she announced, preferring to get the whole request over without needless complication. That thought made her roll her eyes to herself. With these guys, needless complications were ever-present.

True to form, Sheldon took her at her word. “Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.”

“I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I’m going to get the hang of talking to you,” she said with an exasperated grin.

Leonard chuckled. “His mom’s been saying that for years. What’s up?”

Stifling a brief frown at Leonard’s quick put-down, Penny forged on. “Well, I finally convinced the show’s writers to give my character some depth. Instead of just providing some comic relief when I bring people their food, they’re going to let me be the focus of a few scenes as the bartender in the restaurant.”

“Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition,” he answered.

Sheldon didn’t miss the opportunity to offer his two cents. “With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.”

Penny gave him a fond eye-roll. Knowing Sheldon didn’t drink, she focused her question on his roommate. “So Leonard, how about it?”

Suddenly unsure, he glanced around the room. “Look, Penny, we’d love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now. And besides, he doesn’t drink, so…” he trailed off as Raj leaned over and whispered in his ear, _“_ Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he’d like to take up drinking.”

They were headed out the door when Penny noticed Sheldon watching them go. “Sheldon?”

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to join the group,” he said with rare hesitance.

“You don’t drink, Sweetie, so I didn’t think you’d be interested in coming to watch,” she explained.

Pursing his lips, Sheldon nodded. “Thank you for being sensitive to my preferences, but I would still like to accompany the group and observe, if that is acceptable.”

Raj and Howard gaped. Leonard looked at them through narrowed eyes. Penny grinned and nodded.

* * *

Penny finished shaking the cocktail shaker and poured the brightly-colored drink into a glass before sliding it across her island. “Okay, here you go, Leonard: one tequila sunrise.”

“Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container,” Leonard explained, answering a question no one asked.

Penny looked at her other friends. “Okay, Raj, what’ll it be?”

Leonard wiped his ear when Raj was done whispering and passed along the request with a grimace. “Whatever you recommend.”

“Uh, how about a grasshopper?” she suggested, “I make a mean grasshopper. Okay?”

Raj nodded.

“Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?”

The lanky man shrugged. “I’ll have a diet Coke.”

Pursing her lips, Penny pressed him for a better choice. “Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.

He sighed. “Fine. I’ll have a virgin Cuba Libre.”

It took Penny a half-second to figure out what he meant “That’s, um, rum and Coke without the rum.”

“Yes.”

“So…Coke.”

“Yes. And would you make it diet?”

“There’s a can in the fridge,” she deadpanned.

Sheldon missed the flat humor completely. “A Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge,” he clarified

With a flat smirk, Penny refused to back down. “Then swim to Cuba.”

Knowing he wasn’t going to get anywhere arguing, Sheldon gave in with visible reluctance. “Bartenders are supposed to have people skills,” he grumbled on his way to the fridge.

“Okay, Raj, here you go,” Penny passed him the neon green drink. “Alright, who’s next?”

“I’d like to try a slippery nipple,” Howard leered.

Penny looked at the pseudo-Austin Powers. He was creepy, but in a harmless way. “Sure! Leonard, why don’t you go get my butter out of the fridge and grease your nipples up? Howard wants a slippery nipple.”

The two men shared a look of pure horror, making Penny chuckle. “Oh sure. If it was me and another woman having the same conversation, you’d be sitting there filming it.”

Howard’s eyes glazed over while Leonard furrowed his brow and looked at his shoes, neither offering her a response.

“Anybody else need a refill?” Penny asked, needing to move the conversation along.

“Where did my life go, Penny? One day I’m a carefree bachelor, and the next I’m married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.”

The sound of a voice she hadn’t ever heard before made her jaw drop as she turned to the source. “A… are you talking to me, Raj?”

Raj shrugged. “Is there another Penny here?”

When no one had a reply, he plunged ahead. “I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics. But with a penis, of course.”

Leonard audibly forced his jaw closed. “It’s amazing.”

Taking no notice of Leonard’s incredulous aside, Raj kept up his monologue. “Ever since I was a little boy my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him. How can I be a gynecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye! You know what, I’m not going to let my parents control my future any longer. It’s time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.”

Penny reached out and plucked the glass from his hand. “Okay, sweetie, I think that’s the grasshopper talking.”

Raj barely flinched at the loss of his drink. “And it’s about to tell my parents that I’m not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.”

“Okay, calm down,” Penny urged. “No one can make you get married. Why don’t you just meet this girl and, see what happens?”

“Haven’t you been listening to me? I cannot talk to women.”

“Um… Raj,” Leonard tried to chime in.

Howard’s interjection stopped him short. “No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.”

“Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me,” Penny said to Raj, ignoring the aside between the two other scientists.

“And now we’ll never know,” came Sheldon’s petulance.

Raj stood stunned as Penny’s words sunk into his brain. “You’re right. I… I am talking to you. Hello Penny, how are you?” he asked as a look of wonder overcame his face.

Penny returned his ear-to-ear grin with a small smile of her own. “I’m fine.”

As the implications of the discovery hit, Raj started pacing. “Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It’s a sweet green miracle.”

“Okay, if you’re going to drink on this date just promise me you won’t overdo it,” Penny requested, seeing just how badly the date could go if he got too much booze.

“Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything is going to be all hunky donkey?”

Penny successfully stifled her chuckle at how he mangled the saying, but it was a close thing. “Yeah, that. Uh, why don’t you bring her to my restaurant when I’m tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?”

“Okay,” Raj nodded.

His brow furrowed, Leonard raised a quick objection. “Wait a minute, what’s the plan here? Let’s say he meets her and he likes her and they get married, what’s he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?”

“Worked for my parents,” Howard joked to his glass. At least Penny hoped he was joking.

* * *

Penny trudged up the stairs, barely awake enough to put one foot in front of the other. With every step she cursed her stupidity for going out for drinks, even if it was to observe Raj's alcohol-fueled date, before her ungodly 4 AM wakeup call. Somehow she didn’t exactly think her director would respond too well to her throat-punch reflex.

Remembering the way Sheldon walked off with the date did nothing for her mood either. She would have sworn that he wasn't the kind of guy who would steal a date right out from some one, but anyone could be a horn dog, she shrugged. As she approached the fourth floor, she heard Leonard’s and Sheldon’s voices coming from her hallway. Leonard and Sheldon must be on their way out to one of their regular things.

“You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she’s still going to be right.”

Sheldon’s reply sounded from inside their apartment. “I’m not staring, I’m mulling.”

Seeing Leonard on the landing, Penny looked up from her shoes. “Oh, hey Leonard,” she greeted with a tired smile.

“Oh, hi,” he answered, twisting his fingers together in a nervous tic.

Seeing him reminded Penny of the interest that other scientist, Leslie, had shown in him. Her inner gossip rose to the fore. “So, how’s it going?”

Leonard looked confused for a moment before he responded. “Pretty good.”

“Just pretty good? I was hoping you were doing _very_ good,” she teased.

As he always seemed to do whenever she flustered him, he resorted to intellectual rambling. “Pretty, very…there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good. Why do you ask?”

“After the eye-sex you were having with Leslie at the Cheesecake Factory the other night, I thought you two might have done something about it,” Penny explained with a salacious smirk.

Looking over his shoulder, Leonard shouted into the apartment. “Sheldon!”

“I’m coming,” the lanky physicist called again from inside.

Penny kept pressing for more information. “So, is it serious? Do you like her?”

Stammering turned into stuttering as he became even more unsettled. “Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go!”

“Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse,” Sheldon declared as he closed the door, “Oh, hello Penny.”

“Sheldon,” Penny greeted simply, unwilling to say any more. She wanted to maintain her friendship with Sheldon, but watching him walk out of the restaurant with Raj’s date, no matter how much of a jerk he was when drinking, left a sour taste in her mouth. “Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.”

“Thank you,” a perplexed Leonard told her closed door.

Turning to look at his roommate, understanding dawned. “Oh…that explains it.”

It was Sheldon’s turn to look perplexed. “What explains what? You’re being unusually ambiguous today. Is that a byproduct of your uptightness?”

Leonard rubbed his forehead, trying to remain calm and not give in to the urge to smack some sense into his roommate. “Sheldon, Penny was offended at how you stole Raj’s date the other night.”

He scoffed. “That statement is false in every sense. One cannot steal another person just as much as one cannot own another person. Slavery has been outlawed for approximately one hundred fifty years, Leonard. Thus, I did not steal his date. She was having a miserable time, largely due to how often he commented on her past weight issues, and was looking for a way out of the date.”

Leonard gaped. “You’re really serious, aren’t you?”

“Why would I joke about something like this? You of all people should know how much I abhor human contact. Why, then, would I go out of my way to attempt to participate in coitus with Raj’s date?” Sheldon continued as they turned and made their way down the stairs.

Heaving a sigh as they reached the lobby, Leonard decided to cut his losses – metaphorically speaking – and end the conversation. “You know that and I know that, but Penny doesn’t know that. She was looking at you like gun on her shoe because she thinks you horned in on Raj’s date. All I’m saying is that if you want to maintain any kind of good relations with her, you need to explain what really happened, all right?”

Sheldon stopped to consider Leonard’s words. While it was true that the shorter man was often incorrect in matters of science and woefully inept in his pursuit of coitus – their trek down four flights of stairs due to the jet fuel-damaged elevator bore silent witness to that fact – his roommate was certainly more perceptive than himself when it came to interpersonal dynamics. Nevertheless, if Penny was the sort to misconstrue actions and intentions without having all the pertinent information, maybe it was better to maintain an acquaintance with her instead of anything more. He’d still have access if she became a major celebrity, but without all the messiness of any kind of friendship.

“That’s absurd on the face of it,” he drawled, walking toward the door.

Leonard just shook his head at Sheldon’s stubbornness, following his taller roommate out of the building.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After acquiring a beta, chapters 1-4 have been edited and re-posted. Minor changes, but chapter 3 has an additional scene.


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